The Infertile Diaries

Hello,world. I'm still alive. Nope, no baby on way yet. Just wishes. And sarcasm. A lot of sarcasm. I've started to mentally mock pregnant women who I see at the park and their obnoxious conversations that center around their pregnancy (ies), their children, their liking to be pregnant or not, which trimester is the worst, and so on.

Also, to my bitter disappointment, my period isn't painless like I expected. I still have cramps and they still require painkillers during the first 2 days. My period isn't any lighter either.

Next month I'll have my 6-month post-surgery appointment. Let's see what the doctor will tell me. I'm taking DHEA, finally, everyday, 3 times a day, to see if I ovulate better. I haven't been able to detect peak fertility the past 2 months. My monitor shows high fertility, but it hasn't showed the egg in 2 months :-( And the month before I was in Canada away from my husband. Oh well.

Sometimes I think it is just not going to happen and I try to move on with my life. We are definitely moving to Brazil this year, most likely in the end of August. I'll be opening my own ESL school. It is scary and exciting at the same time. There is so much to do I feel very overwhelmed. Right now, for example, I should be posting on my school's website, so that I build content and the site won't be so new when I finally start teaching. Instead, I came here, and was surprised to realize I haven't written in 3 months! Time flies.

My husband and I have decided we will not pursue any fertility treatment this year. Maybe when it's been 18 months I had my surgery, I may start looking at it again. We will be living in Brazil, then.

My days are filled with children, and babies, and childcare. I go to the park everyday. I see two, three, four pregnant women on a daily basis. I usually feel sad for a few seconds, then I feel jealous; then I secretly hate the mother-to-be for a minute or two, and finally I let it go and move on. Some pregnant ladies really irritate me; to some I am just indifferent. It varies according to the day. I don't like seeing them; I don't like being reminded that they exist. I wish I could navigate in a pregnancy-free environment, but that's just silly and shallow of me.

I hide the updates of friends who are pregnant (on Facebook), but until I learn they're pregnant it usually takes an ultrasound photo or a pompous status update. I never dwell on it. I hide it as quick as I can. No lingering on other people's baby bump photos or newborn joy. I want them out of my screen. I lead a child-free life. I don't know what it feels like to have heart-burn because I'm pregnant. I don't want to read about it. I just don't care.

I'm also tired of having sex because "I have to". It's been almost 2 years of trying to conceive and it sucks. I wish I felt different but I don't. I try to be excited about it, but the truth is the dates are already settled. Once I reach day 7 or 8 of my cycle, I know the "marathon" has to start and procreation sex shall be had on a daily or every other day basis. I believe acknowledging this feeling is emotionally healthy for me.

I also know I've been putting of doing things related to our move to Brazil because I am somehow reluctant about it. Part of me doesn't want to leave California.

So, that's what's going on with me. Same old, same old it seems. I wish for one positive result. Even if I miscarry. Of course I don't want to, but I'd like to know we can get pregnant.

Happy Birthday, blog!

This blog is officially 2 years old. Should I be sad I'm still not pregnant? Should I be disappointed I am not off meds? It is what it is. I am exactly where I should be. This journey is necessary. It will teach me something. It will make sense one day. It will have meaning. Will it?

I'm in Canada right now spending the holidays with my husband's family. Happily, for me, my baby brother is also here. He's been in Canada since June doing an exchange program.

I don't have a baby. Still, I shall be merry. Merry Christmas! And a happy new year. Hopefully, 2013 will bring me motherhood.

Still Here

I'm still here. I have healed. My surgery report says what they saw inside me was compatible with Stage 4 Endometriosis. I had a lot of it. I've had 2 cycles already and they were painful like the doctor said they would be. Hopefully from now on there will be no more pain.

It doesn't look like we will be celebrating a positive result over Christmas. I'm not pregnant. I have no idea when it will happen. I feel sad at times, but it seems I have let go a bit. I've been thinking a lot about adoption.

My birthday is in a few days. I'm turning 32. I was 29 when I started preparing for this journey. I naively thought it would be quick.

Merry Christmas!

Recovering like a Champ

I removed the sterol strips yesterday and my incisions look beautiful. I can't believe they took my appendix put through one f them! Wen the doctor said the stitches would dissolve, he wasn't kidding. There are no stitches. The 4 small insidious look more like scratches and I can tell I won't have any scars. Amazing.

Of course, meanwhile I learned Shakira is pregnant, and an acquaintance invited me for her baby shower. Those are always downers. Not sure why Shakira being pregnant bothers me. Perhaps I would like her to suffer from infertility as well?  Perhaps because she's 35 years old and it all seems so easy? Who knows. Anyways I remain in complete abstinence here, as I must wait 2 weeks after surgery to resume our "ttc" routine. My post-op appointment is this Friday.

Life remains beautiful and sunny in Northern California. Fall is here, with its many shades of reddish brown. I made gluten free, dairy free pumpkin cupcakes before surgery. They were delicious. I'm looking forward to making zucchini bread next.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Hopefully we'll have a pregnancy next year. If we're lucky, I'll get a positive pregnancy test for Christmas.

Updates, updates

I haven't written in FOREVER and I know, I know... My bad. I'm currently recovering from a laparoscopy - yes, it turns out I have endometriosis. We decided to go for surgery and here I am, recovering. I was operated at Stanford Hospital, on October 2nd, by the very famous Dr. Camram Nezhat, specialist in endometriosis.

I still have to hear from my doctor what he saw inside my pelvic cavity... The assistant surgeon would not tell us! He said there was a lot of endometriosis, but they removed it all - including my appendix- and I should have no trouble conceiving from now on. I really want to believe that, but you know, once you go through infertility, you're scared to death to HOPE. Hope, hope hope. I had so much hope with the IUI's and all.


Before the surgery, I researched a lot about endometriosis and diet, and it turns out a dairy-free, gluten-free diet, with no red meat and low sugar is ideal. I've followed the diet and I did notice improvement during the 2 cycles that preceded my operation. I am going to continue following the diet, perhaps even become vegan. I know it sounds extreme, but if that is what it takes, I'm willing to do it. I don't want to go through surgery again, if I can avoid it.

The year is almost over. Halloween advertisement is at its full force. Costco has Christmas decoration items for sale. This is probably my last winter in America- we intend to move back to Brazil next Spring. Will I be pregnant by then? I don't know. I want to believe I will, but it may take another 6 months before we conceive.

Depression wise, I'm still taking Cymbalta 60mg. Nothing has changed. I may as well need medication for the rest of my life, unless things change.  A very happy thanksgiving to my Canadian Friends!

God bless,

Ivana

News almost a month old!

I haven't posted in a month and I feel really bad about it! Things remain as they are. I'm not pregnant, even though I ovulated and we kept ttc. A new cycle started last Sunday, so here we go again. I continue on the gluten free dairy free diet, even thoug my blood work came back just fine. No auto immune antibodies, no extra natural killer cells. I'm not attacking myself and I'm not attacking my husband's boys. Hubby is well, too. The urologist said is numbers are good enough, and everything seems to be in order down there! Nevertheless, we haven't conceived, so the question remains.... Next Monday I will have a pelvic exam done to determine if I have any endometriosis. I surely do not have any symptoms of endometriosis. But... We are trying anything these days! I've tried to be more positive and not hate every single pregnant woman I meet on the street. I want to believe I am exactly where God wants me to be right now in my life, in spite of infertility, depression, uncertainties... Now is the time to be happy, with or without my so wanted baby.

New Low

My period came today, starring the shortest cycle I've ever had: 20 days. I'm a bit afraid all those fertility drugs messed me up. Hopefully next cycle will be normal.

Last night my husband and I were lying on the couch watching TV. When the show was over I leaned on his shoulder, we kissed and were affectionate with each other. It was almost time for bed, and I told him "wow, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got divorced! They've been married for 5 years. We've made it longer than them!". Sometimes I like to joke around whenever I hear another celebrity couple split up, saying we've made it longer than them. It's not the first time I've said something like that. However, my husband's response was painful and unexpected. He looked at me and said "but they have a kid, and we don't!". He even had a smile on his face! When I asked him why he would say such thing, he told me that since I was criticizing Mr. and Mrs. Cruise, he reminded me we don't have a kid. I asked my husband if he thought this was all a big joke. I once more explained I had never suffered so much in my life as I've suffered those past few months, especially with the failed IUIs. We got into an argument when he said I've been dramatizing this since day one . He said I'm not helping myself by joining infertility forums and "scratching the wound" every single day on the internet, on blogs and so on. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I explained I didn't think sweeping my pain and fears under the rug and never talking about it would help me at all. Knowledge is power, the more I learn, the better prepared I am. After saying that, I simply left and went to bed. I think he stayed up another hour or so working on the computer.

Then, this morning, period comes. Yay! I hated my life. I felt so sad and alone, misunderstood, and devastated that my husband and I do not seem to be on the same page at all. 15 months trying to conceive, 3 failed IUIs and he thinks I'm spending too much time scratching the wound. This ugly wound called Infertility. I realize I've reached a new low.

This good friend of mine who has given me so much valuable informatin emailed me this morning. She said she talked to her neighbor, who's an OBGYN. She explained my situation, the IUIs, the HSG (Femvue) I did, and this doctor really thinks the problem is with the sperm. She advised me to go to GNC and ask the people there for a multivitamin with fish oil for my husband. So let's see. The urologist appointment is on July 13.

I saw lots of pregnant women today. How I wish one of them was me.