Down, down, and back to the surface

It all started last week after my husband said something that really upset me. He said I wanted my mother to go to therapy so that I could blame her for my issues.
My mother is not doing well. She has talked about dying. I had spoken to my sister on the phone and I was extremely concerned. I had lost the car keys the previous Friday, and on the Monday evening my husband said that, I went to sleep feeling extremely said and upset. Sure enough, I woke up nauseous the following morning. Couldn't eat, had diarrhea, restless anxiety, all the same ol' thing of always.

On Wednesday, though, things were 10 times worse. There was no way I could go out and about my day. I had to call my doctor and pledge for some anxiety medication. I was able to eat around 2pm, after spending the whole morning in bed sick like a dog. In the evening, I was able to eat some soup. Thursday morning, the same thing. I was miserable and did not eat again until noon. Soup, yogurt, all the things liquid. Diarrhea was still there and making me lose water and, consequently, weight. On Friday, I took Buspar, which my doctor had prescribed, but it didn't even tickle. Nothing, no effect on my ever restless anxiety. I had to go see my doctor in person. He gave me a supplement called Kavinace, which was recommended by the guys of NeuroScience laboratory, after my spit test showed very low levels of Cortisol and Gaba, plus elevated levels of Glutamate. Cortisol is a hormone that helps people deal with stress, whereas Gaba and Glutamate are neurotransmitters.
On Saturday, after 4 days of forced fasting, I was able to eat breakfast. The nightmare seemed to be over. I was awake, and eating again.

This Tuesday, April 26, after my doctor told me that I could do it, I stopped taking Venlafaxine. I was down to 6.25mg, so the withdrawal symptoms are supposed to be minor. I am feeling a little dizzy, which is typical, but nothing major. We got our new car keys back at the end of last week as well, so I'm back in my car and with the biggest key chain possible. I'll never lose those keys again. I haven't called my family back in my country in over 2 weeks, most likely because I don't want to tell them what happened, and I don't want to get upset again about my mother's own mental issues.

I'm finally off medication. I can't believe it. Now next month I may get pregnant. It is almost like I have no energy left to start such a big project like becoming a mother. On the other hand, being pregnant will cause a hormonal explosion in my body, which, according to my doctor, is just what I need.

Sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead

I've been listening to Adele's latest album '21', and no, I am not romantically heart-broken. But things have been tough. I am down to 6.4mg of venlafaxine, more precisely 1/4 of a 25mg pill, which I have to cut in 4 tiny pieces and hope they're going to have more or less the same amount of medication.

I know it isn't a big deal, there are way more difficult things in life. I've also done the 'spit test' to measure my levels of cortisol and figure out if I need to take serotonin (yeah, in a pill) or not. Truth is life just happens, and the last couple of weeks have been 'happening' a lot. I had a minor car accident and, even though I do not agree I am 100% responsible, my insurance thinks we're going to have to accept liability for it. Nothing happened to my car (hey, that's good, I suppose) but the other party's car had some scratches and a small dent. Insurance will raise next year. Blergh.

My newest accomplishment was losing our car key, which will cost several hundred dollars to replace. No, we don't have a spare copy. The car will need to be towed to the dealership, a new key will have to come from Germany, a new code will have to be put in the key and reprogrammed. Yayyy! I did it. I had lost that key before, but we found it.

So now I'm locked out of my car, waiting for Monday to come so we can order a new key. Not all is bad, my friend lent me one of her cars (she's got 3) so that I can have a car while this whole headache is taken care of. I must confess I have forgotten already my main reason to stop the antidepressants I have been taking for the past 4 years. I don't even know if I want to get pregnant next month, because life happens, and will I be able to hold myself together being pregnant and off meds when life takes any turn that may upset me, like losing a damn car key? I'm not so sure anymore.

Why

Why am I carrying
this heavy load that I loathe
this load of reproachfulness
that brings me down
further down
each step of the way?

Did I choose this path
This path of regretfulness
that hits me hard
that hurts me more
much more
than I could ever say?

If life were easier
and my path smoother
and my steps were softer
and my heart felt lighter
Would I still be the same?

If the wind blew slower
and the trees shook gentler
and the roads were calmer
and my mind felt steadier
would I still be the one to blame?

Serenity

I'm better. Things are better. I'm eating well and haven't had nausea in two days. There's hope. There is always hope. I'm back on Venlafaxine, of course, and will have to be more careful when I stop. It has to be slower, much slower. I'm taking two herbs that help ease anxiety - Rhodiola Rosea and Ashwagandha. They've done wonders.
Am I sad? Of course I am. I thought I would be trying to get pregnant by now. I had so many plans. The baby would be born in January. My mother, who will be here in July, would go to the 16 week ultrasound with me. We would find out the baby's gender, it would be beautiful. Instead, I am still taking a drug that can be harmful during pregnancy, therefore I am not getting pregnant. At least not for the time being.

Setback

According to the 'Lululemon Athletica' manifesto, life is full of setbacks, and it is how we cope with them that decides our success in life. Shortly after I wrote the previous post, I started feeling very sick of my stomach. I also started feeling very anxious. I had been off the meds for 3 days.  Of course now I'm back on Venlafaxine, which seems to have helped the anxiety go down.

I somehow feared the possibility of having an anxiety crisis some time after stopping Venlafaxine, but I never imagined it would come so quick, only three days. I also realize I was having a horrible, horrible week, full of worries, some accidents, and even my computer stopped working. Almost like an astrological 'inferno'. It seems my stopping venlafaxine came at a very bad week.

Overall, all of this means I'm not going to be able to get pregnant for a while, at least until I am stable enough to try to reduce the meds again. Such a bummer :-(

Claustrophobia

Last night I dreamed I was somewhere near the beach. It was so warm and nice, and I could see the ocean waves breaking against the sand. Then everything around me changed, like it happens in dreams, and I'm inside a building. I get in the elevator to do downstairs. The metal doors close in front of me and the elevator walls shrink so much they can almost touch the sides of my body. The elevator starts moving down and stops shortly after. I know something is wrong. I haven't reached the first floor yet. I try to force the doors open using my fingers, but they don't open. I start to bang at the doors and shout for help. I search for the emergency button and press it several times. I feel trapped inside a metal box. I'm feeling claustrophobic and it is horrible, horrible, horrible. I step back the most I can (2, 3 steps?) and try to visualize I'm inside a supermarket with long high aisles, very high ceilings full of fluorescent lights. Somebody outside the elevator talks to me. They say they're working on fixing it so that I can get out. I tell them they better hurry, or I'll go crazy inside such a tiny room. I tell them I'm trying to calm myself by imagining the supermarket aisles.

They get me out (I don't remember exactly how) and one of the people outside tells me she thought it was funny how I used the image of supermarket aisles to try to trick my mind out of the claustrophobic situation I was in.

I'm not sure what to make of this dream. I was terrified of elevators when I was a child. Even if my parents were with me, I would not get in. We would have to climb the stairs. I grew out of it eventually, and nowadays I have no problems with elevators  - or so it seems.

Am I feeling trapped? Is my mind trying to find ways for my body to cope with the lack of medication? Am I scared? Well, it seems so, but I was able to avoid having a major breakdown inside the elevator. It was a horrible horrible time, though, and I was relieved it was just a dream. What could this all mean? Perhaps my question is, without medication, am I going to make it?

When pain does not go away

It still hurts
Even though time has passed
Wasn't time supposed to heal any pain?

But pain
does not always go away
In spite of time
Or wisdom acquired
or forgiveness granted
Sometimes pain
lingers,
and decides to stay
for good.

Pain is not
always bad.
for it reminds us we're human
it connects us with our feelings
it softens our hearts
towards others
whose burden may be much heavier
much harder
to carry.

The Buddhists say
Life is suffering.
I'm no Buddhist
but I tend to agree.

And while I despise my suffering
I know this pain
has made me stronger
wiser
better
than my older self.
I know I broke down
but I have risen
and built a greater me
from the broken pieces.
 
I embrace you, Pain
you've strengthened me.
I embrace you, suffering.
you've made me wiser.
I embrace you, fear.
You've reminded me I can be vulnerable
and it is okay
not to be perfect
not to be always good
not to be what others want me
to be.

I embrace who I am - my whole self
all my flaws
all my shortcomings
all my insecurities
all that makes me this being
who knows pain
also means
I'm alive.