Cooking Therapy

Spinach quinoa risotto, with plenty of smoked paprika. Olive oil and garlic stir fried brocolette. Grilled peppery asparagus. Tomatoes with fresh basil vinaigrette. I cook and cook and cook, and stir and stir and stir, but this lump in my throat doesn't go away.

How did I get here? Third IUI since February. Hormones, shots, sprays, suppositories. Ultrasounds and more ultrasounds. And bills. And crying. And freaking out. And there's nothing freaking wrong with me.

I cook because food makes me happy, but now I'm on this gluten-free, dairy-free, egg and red meat free diet. Just in case my immune system is killing the sperm, or the fertilized egg way before I know I'm pregnant.

I gave up cheese, and milk, and coffee, and wheat. I gave up quiches and omelets. I think I'd give up a kidney, too, if that made me pregnant. I'd give up meat forever. I would.

I cook for my husband, mostly because I love him and I don't want this fertility thing to get between us. Sometimes I resent him. He complained fertility was all I was talking about. He complained about the bills. He complained about my doctors. He wants a second opinion. The other doctor confirmed the results: low motility count. IUI is the way to go. First with Femara. Then injectables. He complained injectables + ultrasounds are too expensive. I suggested acupuncture. He doesn't believe in acupuncture.

At times it seems I am the only one doing all the work. Sometimes I acknowledge it is not his fault. So I cook. I stir, and I grill, and I bake gluten and dairy free brownies with egg replacer and all.

Why doesn't this lump in my throat go away? Why aren't I hopeful? I want to give up. I want to take a vacation. I want to be okay with the fact that a lot of women I know are pregnant while I am childless.

I want to make more gluten and dairy and egg free brownies and have them with raspberries. And be genuinely happy for the 15 minutes it will take me to finish eating them.