Down, down, and back to the surface

It all started last week after my husband said something that really upset me. He said I wanted my mother to go to therapy so that I could blame her for my issues.
My mother is not doing well. She has talked about dying. I had spoken to my sister on the phone and I was extremely concerned. I had lost the car keys the previous Friday, and on the Monday evening my husband said that, I went to sleep feeling extremely said and upset. Sure enough, I woke up nauseous the following morning. Couldn't eat, had diarrhea, restless anxiety, all the same ol' thing of always.

On Wednesday, though, things were 10 times worse. There was no way I could go out and about my day. I had to call my doctor and pledge for some anxiety medication. I was able to eat around 2pm, after spending the whole morning in bed sick like a dog. In the evening, I was able to eat some soup. Thursday morning, the same thing. I was miserable and did not eat again until noon. Soup, yogurt, all the things liquid. Diarrhea was still there and making me lose water and, consequently, weight. On Friday, I took Buspar, which my doctor had prescribed, but it didn't even tickle. Nothing, no effect on my ever restless anxiety. I had to go see my doctor in person. He gave me a supplement called Kavinace, which was recommended by the guys of NeuroScience laboratory, after my spit test showed very low levels of Cortisol and Gaba, plus elevated levels of Glutamate. Cortisol is a hormone that helps people deal with stress, whereas Gaba and Glutamate are neurotransmitters.
On Saturday, after 4 days of forced fasting, I was able to eat breakfast. The nightmare seemed to be over. I was awake, and eating again.

This Tuesday, April 26, after my doctor told me that I could do it, I stopped taking Venlafaxine. I was down to 6.25mg, so the withdrawal symptoms are supposed to be minor. I am feeling a little dizzy, which is typical, but nothing major. We got our new car keys back at the end of last week as well, so I'm back in my car and with the biggest key chain possible. I'll never lose those keys again. I haven't called my family back in my country in over 2 weeks, most likely because I don't want to tell them what happened, and I don't want to get upset again about my mother's own mental issues.

I'm finally off medication. I can't believe it. Now next month I may get pregnant. It is almost like I have no energy left to start such a big project like becoming a mother. On the other hand, being pregnant will cause a hormonal explosion in my body, which, according to my doctor, is just what I need.

Sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead

I've been listening to Adele's latest album '21', and no, I am not romantically heart-broken. But things have been tough. I am down to 6.4mg of venlafaxine, more precisely 1/4 of a 25mg pill, which I have to cut in 4 tiny pieces and hope they're going to have more or less the same amount of medication.

I know it isn't a big deal, there are way more difficult things in life. I've also done the 'spit test' to measure my levels of cortisol and figure out if I need to take serotonin (yeah, in a pill) or not. Truth is life just happens, and the last couple of weeks have been 'happening' a lot. I had a minor car accident and, even though I do not agree I am 100% responsible, my insurance thinks we're going to have to accept liability for it. Nothing happened to my car (hey, that's good, I suppose) but the other party's car had some scratches and a small dent. Insurance will raise next year. Blergh.

My newest accomplishment was losing our car key, which will cost several hundred dollars to replace. No, we don't have a spare copy. The car will need to be towed to the dealership, a new key will have to come from Germany, a new code will have to be put in the key and reprogrammed. Yayyy! I did it. I had lost that key before, but we found it.

So now I'm locked out of my car, waiting for Monday to come so we can order a new key. Not all is bad, my friend lent me one of her cars (she's got 3) so that I can have a car while this whole headache is taken care of. I must confess I have forgotten already my main reason to stop the antidepressants I have been taking for the past 4 years. I don't even know if I want to get pregnant next month, because life happens, and will I be able to hold myself together being pregnant and off meds when life takes any turn that may upset me, like losing a damn car key? I'm not so sure anymore.

Why

Why am I carrying
this heavy load that I loathe
this load of reproachfulness
that brings me down
further down
each step of the way?

Did I choose this path
This path of regretfulness
that hits me hard
that hurts me more
much more
than I could ever say?

If life were easier
and my path smoother
and my steps were softer
and my heart felt lighter
Would I still be the same?

If the wind blew slower
and the trees shook gentler
and the roads were calmer
and my mind felt steadier
would I still be the one to blame?