New Doc, New Meds, New Hopes

I haven't really registered much of has been going on here anymore due to one simple reason: lack of time.
I have good news, though, and those are always great to share. My doctor decided she does not have the expertise to help me go through pregnancy, so she advised me to seek out Stanford Women's Clinic and also, if I wanted to, another doctor. I felt kind of 'pushed away' (she also mentioned she would be very very busy starting in February, and would not see any patients), but in the end, I found this very nice doctor who has already resumed reducing my medication and who sounds pretty confident I can go on without medication for a whole year - perhaps longer, why not?

Until recently, I had not questioned anymore the 'fact' that I would need medication for life. In the beginning, back in 2004, I struggled to accept I needed medication for an 'emotional' problem. It turns out, as we know, that depression/anxiety are diseases, just like any other diseases, which often require people to turn to palliatives in order to properly function. When I was released from medication, and had a relapse, and was released again from medication, and had a second relapse, I struggled even more to hear from doctors that there would be no happy life without my serotonin helper: venlafaxine extended release.

Hearing from this new doctor that I may be able to avoid medication even after giving birth sounds like a dream coming true. I am not pregnant yet, and won't be until I've completely stopped my antidepressant, but it sure felt good to hear such optimistic prospects from an expert. Talking about pregnancy, it seems everything is doing great with my cycle. I'll also take a fertility test (which btw is available at any Longs Drugs or Wall Greens, etc.) just to be 100% sure. I took an ovulation test this month to find out when I ovulate and it turns out it is on the 10th day of my cycle. I also got to try a sample of Pre Nexa prenatal vitamin supplements and I didn't feel nausea or any other side effects, so I'm getting the prescription filled tomorrow.

Everything is falling into place, which is awesome news. It seems I've caught a cold, not so good news for sure, but I haven't been sick for a long, long time, so I have to give myself a break. Other than that, I wish to go to Yoga more often, probably 4 to 5 days a week (ideally). Right now it has been from 2 to 3 times a week, mostly 2 times. Today, for example, I'm feeling sick and will not go. Hopefully tomorrow.
One of the things I told my new doctor today is that I want to keep and optimistic vibe throughout my journey into motherhood. I don't want to worry about what if I get depressed? what if I have anxiety? what if I feel sick and start throwing up again? No, I want to live in the moment, keep a positive attitude and deal with the problems as they rise. I want to take control of my life and keep my brain (and serotonin) in order!

Cold Sunny Days

I haven't really 'advertised' this blog. Honestly, I haven't told anyone about it. I thought it would be good to just start posting and seeing what happens. Perhaps some people will find it online. Perhaps some of my friends will notice it while looking at my websites on my FB profile info. Perhaps.
I decided I would just throw my words into the world wide web and let them soak free and unnoticed for a while. Advertising depression isn't considered fashionable, trendy, or pretty.

Today while at a bookstore I saw a poem book about depression written by Susan Polis Schutz. I had always loved her poems and her greeting cards, and to find out that she had suffered from depression to the point of not being able to get up from bed for 3 months, and she even wrote a book with reflections and poems about it, man, she is my heroine now. Not because she suffered from depression - I admired her before that - but because even though she was deeply depressed she tried to do something with it, like poetry.

I've written poems throughout my life, since the age of 9. Most of them are in my native language, Brazilian Portuguese. I have written a dozen poems or so in English, as I became more fluent, probably in the past 10 years. I have a few poems published in Portuguese, and I had a poetry blog in Portuguese for 7 years. I haven't restarted my poetry blog, and I haven't really thought of publishing anything anytime soon, let alone in English! However, seeing Susan Polis Schutz' book about depression really encouraged me to keep posting my thoughts and my verses in this blog, even though I am still the only one visiting it!

When I'm Gone

Which parts of me will stay when I'm gone
My words. My clothes. My many many shoes.

My blogs and books and Social Network accounts.
The memories I registered here.

Which parts of me will be lost
besides my corporeal self
The thoughts I did not dare to share
The words I never spoke
The tears I cried in silence
The love I felt but did not express.

A year is gone
What have we kept of it?
Photos. Feelings. Thoughts.
Three-hundred-sixty-five days
All gone, gone, gone...

I like the sunshine that peaks through my window
bringing warmth
and hope of new beginnings.
New years shall come
even after I'm gone.