Sunday, November 20, 2011

It's time to be thankful, but I'm not

I resent that I'm not pregnant. I envy every single woman I see with a child. I want a baby. It's been 7 months and 8 cycles, for goodness sake. How much longer is it going to take?

I'm on my period and it has been bitter. I have painful cramps when I'm off the pill. I had some spotting earlier last week and I actually thought I was pregnant. Spotting is a sign of pregnancy, plus the pain in my breasts seemed to be more intense this month. I did a pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative. Then, a couple hours later, my period came, accompanied by a lot of pain, physical and emotional, that is.

I should be thankful for all that I have, but I am greedy. I want it all- I want a baby; not just any baby, a healthy, perfect, wonderful baby. Conceived by my husband and I, naturally, lovingly...

Isn't it flawed enough that I need to be on antidepressants while trying to start a family? Do I also have to suffer to get there?

I know, I know I sound like a broken record; I'm fixated on this idea of getting pregnant. I
want it and I want it now. And it's not happening. Sometimes I'm walking down the street and I
daydream of my growing belly, of the pains and wonders of motherhood, of the delivery, then my
baby boy or girl, holding him/her, the photos, the clothes, the joy, ah! The joy.

Am I being ungrateful? Am I asking too much? Can't it just happen one of these following

I'm seeing my OBGYN in January. We'll run some tests, see what's going on. I will have had
other 3 cycles by the time she sees me. We're going to Brazil for the holidays. It will be a
lot of traveling. My husband says it is actually better that I'm not pregnant right now. I
don't know. I want it too much, perhaps. I dream of it too much. Even of the sickness, the
throwing up, the joy, the joy of motherhood.

But I need to be thankful. Thankful that my depression symptoms are under control; thankful that I am overall healthy; thankful that I have family and friends, and support.

All I want for Christmas is a baby growing in the oven. That's all. It seems that's too much to ask for.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


I have been away from here, perhaps because medication has been working well, so I don't feel the "need" to stop and reflect about my feelings. My therapist had asked me to try writing here and there, so I could channel my emotions into powerful statements of self-assurance...

I'm having some side effects I don't like. I dream vivid, anxious dreams all night long, it seems. My dreams tend to repeat themselves and mix what I like to call my "two realities", Brazil and California. I dream I'm there, but living this life, here, or sometimes it's a mix of my former life in Brazil but with elements of my current life here. I have constipation, which I've never had in my life. Still, the benefits of medication out weight the side effect.

Last month, when I had the confirmation that I was not pregnant, I cried. I cried in therapy later on, too, and it felt good. I hadn't cried for a while. I have my yearly OBGYN appointment scheduled for January, so until then I need to relax and let go. This month I had all the signs of ovulation, but the ovulation tests say otherwise. I did not get a positive result. I use the ClearBlue digital ovulation test, so there is no gray area. I'm either ovulating, or I'm not. I felt the urge to call my doctor and try to have an appointment just to address my possible infertility problems, but I've been able to contain myself. I can wait until January. It is not a big deal.

Life has been going on as busy as possible. I'm writing a paper for one of the classes I'm taking, it is almost all done. I'm on page 4 out of 5! wooo... I'm also enjoying my French classes and I plan to enroll on Beginning French II, which starts in January. It is finally cold in California, and I haven't been exercising much, but I'm giving myself a break from self-criticism. I'll exercise when I feel like it. Today I have mainly worked on my paper, which is due November 23. I have to mail it in to the professor, so it needs to be done by the 20, I say. I'll probably be done earlier, hopefully this Sunday, or Monday. I wished to be done today, but I don't think I have enough concentration left in me to do it.

I so wish I was pregnant by now. I really did. I dreamed of being 3 months pregnant, waiting for that ultrasound that reveals the baby's gender, waiting to be able to announce to the world that I have a baby coming! But it hasn't happened. I have to keep on living, and living as best as I can, because that is the only life I have.