New Low

My period came today, starring the shortest cycle I've ever had: 20 days. I'm a bit afraid all those fertility drugs messed me up. Hopefully next cycle will be normal.

Last night my husband and I were lying on the couch watching TV. When the show was over I leaned on his shoulder, we kissed and were affectionate with each other. It was almost time for bed, and I told him "wow, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got divorced! They've been married for 5 years. We've made it longer than them!". Sometimes I like to joke around whenever I hear another celebrity couple split up, saying we've made it longer than them. It's not the first time I've said something like that. However, my husband's response was painful and unexpected. He looked at me and said "but they have a kid, and we don't!". He even had a smile on his face! When I asked him why he would say such thing, he told me that since I was criticizing Mr. and Mrs. Cruise, he reminded me we don't have a kid. I asked my husband if he thought this was all a big joke. I once more explained I had never suffered so much in my life as I've suffered those past few months, especially with the failed IUIs. We got into an argument when he said I've been dramatizing this since day one . He said I'm not helping myself by joining infertility forums and "scratching the wound" every single day on the internet, on blogs and so on. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I explained I didn't think sweeping my pain and fears under the rug and never talking about it would help me at all. Knowledge is power, the more I learn, the better prepared I am. After saying that, I simply left and went to bed. I think he stayed up another hour or so working on the computer.

Then, this morning, period comes. Yay! I hated my life. I felt so sad and alone, misunderstood, and devastated that my husband and I do not seem to be on the same page at all. 15 months trying to conceive, 3 failed IUIs and he thinks I'm spending too much time scratching the wound. This ugly wound called Infertility. I realize I've reached a new low.

This good friend of mine who has given me so much valuable informatin emailed me this morning. She said she talked to her neighbor, who's an OBGYN. She explained my situation, the IUIs, the HSG (Femvue) I did, and this doctor really thinks the problem is with the sperm. She advised me to go to GNC and ask the people there for a multivitamin with fish oil for my husband. So let's see. The urologist appointment is on July 13.

I saw lots of pregnant women today. How I wish one of them was me.

Waiting for That Day

My time will come
My shooting star will shine
My sorrow will become
The reason for a smile

My time is near
My tears will be dry
And love will bloom, my dear
I'll never ever cry

The bedrooms will be full
Of laughter and joy
We'll walk them all to school
Our dog, our girl, our boy.

We'll lead a happy life
Quite simple, by the sea
Our kids will grow and thrive
How grateful we'll be!

So while we wait and pray
With empty arms and sunken heart
We dream about the day
Our happiness will start.