Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Anticipated Sadness

My period came yesterday afternoon, two days before the expected date. No matter how much I try to rationalize what just happened, I am still sad and disappointed.

We went camping this long weekend, and I enjoyed being far away from everything while going to new places in the north coast of California. It was a bit cold for sleeping in a tent, I admit it, but it was only for two nights. We went to Navarro River Redwoods State Park, a calm first-come first-serve secluded park in the middle of giant Redwoods. We hiked at Van Damme state park, visited Mendocino, a cute little town nearby, went to two different lighthouses, (one in Point Arena), and drove back home along the Shoreline Highway, or Highway 1. It took much longer, but it was so beautiful and peaceful.

When we finally got to Highway 101, we stopped at an In-n-Out burger, and when I went to the restroom, alas, there it was, plain and clear, the blood that I did not wish to see. I am sorry for the TMI. I'm sure not many people read this blog (for I haven't really advertised it or even told my friends and family about it). This blog is sort of my personal diary, a way to get some things off my chest.

So today I woke up feeling sick of my stomach and anxious. I managed to get on with my day, drinking lots of smoothies which are easy to swallow, and eventually was able to eat some solid food. I'm having some pretty heavy cramps right now, so this *IS* a period, no doubt about it and no reason to waste a pregnancy test this month.

I'm trying to think that this is for the best, there must be a reason why I couldn't get pregnant this month other than the catastrophic idea that either my husband or I have a problem and can't conceive. I am also trying to remember that it takes a healthy 25-year-old woman an average of 6 months to conceive. It takes longer for older women. I'm 30, and my husband is 37, so we're going to have to take it easy. Regardless, I am sad - two days early than expected.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Just stop obsessing already!

I've been off medication for over 3 weeks now, which means we are trying to conceive (yay), WHICH means I am obsessing about it in a way I probably shouldn't. I still have to wait 12 days until I miss (or not) my period, but I am already starting to worry about what if I'm not pregnant. What could be wrong? My anxious mind is not letting me rest. I took ovulation tests, fertility tests, followed my cycle with a period tracker application on my iTouch, you name it. I stopped drinking coffee as well, for caffeine supposedly decreases fertility. My husband and I followed the advice of the 'every other day' routine, so now there is nothing else I can do other than wait. I don't like waiting :-(

I've been trying not to get too concerned about the what ifs, but the idea that we actually have to try to conceive for at least 6 months before I can go to my OBGYN and say we need to run some tests is nerve-racking. Mostly because we did everything sooo right that there has to be a problem if I don't get pregnant this cycle. Well, I should at least give my other ovary a chance next month, shouldn't I? I also know that some women who obsess too much about it end up not getting pregnant until they relax and let go. Why am I doing this to myself?

This week I told my therapist I feared I was obsessive-compulsive. She doesn't think I am, but she does understand I am getting obsessed about this whole pregnancy project. This is happening, I think, because I've been preparing for so long, stopping the antidepressants, getting sick, going back on the meds, starting the decrease again, and so forth. This has been going on for 8 months already. When I first talked to my former psychiatrist about getting off my meds, she told me it would take me less than 6 months. Well, yeah, it didn't. First she bailed on me, telling me she didn't feel comfortable helping me throughout my pregnancy, so I had to go look for a new doctor. Then I stopped Effexor at 12.5mg and my body did not like it. Then at 6.2mg I had an anxiety attack that left me sick of my stomach for 4 days. Not to mention the spit test results that revealed I was on the verge of adrenal fatigue.

I know things only get harder once I have a baby. I am at a higher risk of having post-partum depression than women who have never suffered from depression before. I'll have a defenceless human being constantly needing care and attention (besides my husband!!!). So sometimes I don't even know if I'm up for all of it. Well, it is about time that I learn to go with the flow and just let things happen as they're supposed to.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Anxious Little Girl

Anxious little girl
Here we go again
Here we go
Pieces of your soul drifting ashore
Little by little you're one no more
You're a puzzle of missing parts

Drizzling rain that becomes a storm
Acute pain that you can't endure
Like a lonely slender tree shaken by the wind
you're turned and tossed and turned once more
There is no end; there is no hope; there is only an empty space -  and an empty stomach.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

We're not in control and it is okay

As I gaze upon the future ahead of me, there are so many things I cannot control. Details, big and small, among other variables.
What can we control? Last week I lost whatever control I had over some very basic body functions, like eating. I couldn't keep myself calm; I couldn't stop shaking; my thoughts raced through my mind with no logic or order. As I felt better physically this week, the emotional toll of last week's crisis started to show. During my therapy session this last Thursday, I found myself tearful just by remembering 'outloud' what had happened. My therapist is wonderful, and she's helped me understand there are things I cannot control, AND it is okay.
The pain is intense, but if I have to shake, I'll shake; if I have to throw up, I'll throw up. I know it will pass. I've been through this before, and it does not last forever. I'm more resilient than I give myself credit for.
So as I discuss my future outloud, and realize the plethora of possibilities and outcomes which I cannot completely control, I am reminded that it is okay. It all shall pass, even if not all of it works out the way I expect. Being okay with no control may be the ultimate challenge of the anxious person. It has been my challenge for years, and I suspect I am still far from the end of the way.