Thursday, September 29, 2011

Limbo #2

I'm very anxious right now. I feel like I did absolutely nothing the whole day.
My period is one day late, but I don't think I'm pregnant. It would be ironic if I actually were pregnant 3 weeks after going back on medication.

I'm trying not to take Clonazepan, even though I know it would help me feel better. The last time I took it was Monday morning. I want to drink coffee, but I know coffee will just make me more anxious. Even decaf coffee has some caffeine in it. I've already drunk one this morning.

My classes at the continuing studies program were great. I already read the 3 chapters I'm supposed to read for next Monday's class. The French course on Tuesday was great, too. Very fun. I still feel anxious. Not enough to be sick of my stomach. Just enough to make me uncomfortable.

I have therapy today at 5pm. It is very hot now in Northern California. Late summer, as usual. We're almost in October. I feel I'm in limbo again. Waiting. Waiting. I'm trying to breathe deeply. I made myself some smoked salmon pasta for lunch. It was yummy.

I can hear the crows chirp outside. It falls into place now. It used to sound so odd. There are no crows where I come from. Here they're everywhere. There's a truck backing up. I can hear the beep, beep, beep. It is bright and sunny out. Apparently, it is going to rain next week. I can hear an airplane go by. My orchids need water. I don't feel like watering them. My basil plant is dead. Well, almost. End of basil season.

I've already gone for a walk this morning. Maybe I'll just lie down and try to sleep. Really? at 3:30 in the afternoon? feeling anxious? I want my period to come so that I know I'm not pregnant after only 3 weeks on meds. I haven't been to yoga in 2 weeks. I haven't even exercised this week, besides this morning. I don't know what else to say.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Back to 'almost normal'

On doctor's orders, I went up to 60mg of Cymbalta this past Monday. Clonazepan doesn't make me feel slow anymore. Best of all, if I take 0.5mg in the morning, when the anxiety is the worst, it calms me down and its effect lasts the whole day. So much better than Xanax! Look at me, I sound like a hypochondriac, loving medication!

Sometimes I wake up with this desperation inside me. Three deep breaths, it's just thoughts. I was never afraid of dying. All of a sudden, I think of death. Not in a suicidal way. Just death. What if I die? What's gonna happen next? What if my husband dies? my mom? my dad? More three deep breaths. I am not in control of the world's population. All I have is 'now' and, for now, I'm alive.

I lost so much weight since April that people are noticing. It should be a good thing, huh? Well, I'm 5'9", and have been slim all my life. Sometimes too slim. Before April, I was normal. No need to lose weight really. So people ask questions. I'm not sure what to say to justify losing weight, so sometimes I say the truth. Sometimes I just acknowledge it and let it pass. I spent last week on fruit smoothies, Greek yogurt, and chicken soup. Today I craved junk food, so I had a Big Mac. With large fries. Oh! It feels so good to eat.

My two continued studies courses at Stanford University start next week. I've thought of canceling one of them. Then I thought of canceling both of them. I can't concentrate. I'm afraid I won't be able to make it. I have one more full week to decide if I want to continue with them or not (and get a full refund).

So far I haven't noticed any side effects of Cymbalta. I'm not skipping and scampering like a happy lil' bunny either. I know antidepressants take time to work. 2 to 6 weeks. I'm back to eating, sleeping, functioning. Back to almost normal. Those 4 and a half months without medication were hard ones. I was never well. I was never happy. I may as well have to rely on medication forever. It sure sounds like a long time.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Crazy Poem

Clonazepan pan pan pan pan
I feel so numb, numb numb numb numb
Look at the sun, sun sun sun sun
I want to run, run run run run
It would be fun, fun fun fun fun

I feel so slow, so slow so slow
I'd love to go, just go go go
Somewhere with no no no no no

Out of this body of mine.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Back on the chemical crutch

I started Cymbalta this last Monday. After having a crappy weekend filled with symptoms of excruciating anxiety, I decided it was enough.

Now, besides Cymbalta, I've needed some other help to get me by while thiS crisis last. I tried Xanax for the immediate anxiety, but Xanax wears off too fast, and then I need more. So doctor gave me Clonazepan. It knocked me down as soon as I took it lat night. I felt I was going to collapse. I took 1mg, plus 1/4 of a pill of Mirtazapine to help me sleep. It worked. I slept the whole night (i hadnt slept the previous night, even after taking xanax; I woke up at 3am and never went back to sleep).

This morning I was still feeling like a zombie, but the anxiety was creeping in and getting higher. I took 0.5mg of Clonazepan, which left me pretty sleepy and drowsy, but it wore off in a couple hours and anxiety hasn't come back full force yet.

I lost weight, as usual, but I've been trying to eat whenever my stomach lets me.

I've tried to find reasons for this current crisis, and the only thing that happened differently was my Kavinace (a supplement that supports GABA function) was over and I hadn't
ordered more on time so I ran out of it. I had noticed in the past that whenever I forgot to take Kavinace the night before, I would wake up more anxious, but I never thought it could cause that! And in fact, I've had crisis like that before even while taking Kavinace, so I'm
not sure.

All I know is that baby plans have come to a halt. Now I need to get better, take Cymbalta and make sure it is not aggravating my anxiety. And if I feel this horrible, horrible anxiety, I need to take Clonazepan and not be too afraid about it. I am afraid I'll get addicted and it
will be hard to stop and so forth. I took a high dosage of Xanax for 4 months once and it was
so hard to stop. It was horrible. Doctor says Clonazepan is better; less addictive, and its
calming effect lasts longer. Nevertheless, I felt like a zombie for most of the day today. I
felt I could barely function. Yesterday, without medication, I couldn't function either
because anxiety was just too overwhelming.

This has been a full blown anxiety attack as bad as the one I had in 2007.

So much for not wanting to take the drugs. Now I'm taking several. Hopefully just for the time being.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Next time

Period came today, and I am feeling okay with it. I had built up some anxiety about maybe being finally pregnant, but it seems that talking myself out of it by saying 'it is too early, it is nothing' worked out well. I am also glad I didn't go crazy buying pregnancy tests and testing away being only one day late. It would have been a waste of money.

Now I am going to have a sushi dinner, and be comforted by the thought that there is always a next time. Next month, or the following one, or the following and so forth.

I have an annual OBGYN appointment in October anyways, so I can talk about what to test/do from then on. Hubby will also have to go to his doctor and be checked.

Depression wise, I am still off medication, but I've been feeling all right. There are mornings in which I am very anxious. There are days in which I do not feel like doing anything. I know I need to relax, so let's see how I'll do these following months. Of course I feel sad that it's been 5 cycles already trying to conceive and nothing yet, but ... 5 cycles isn't very long. It may take 12 cycles, who knows? I have to live life in spite of that.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


I'm trying to live one day at a time and it has been really hard right now. According to my 'period tracker' application on my iTouch, my period was supposed to come today, but it didn't. It means nothing. It may as well come tomorrow, or on Monday. I keep telling myself it is too early to celebrate because I don't want to be let down. So as I wait for the period to come or not, I'm living in suspension, in hiatus, waiting for something to happen, instead of simply enjoying my day and letting life happen.

I try not to think about it. I try not to talk about it, but could this be the month? I started feeling this pain a couple days ago, not exactly like period cramps, but similar. I had had them before, but in the middle of my cycle, never in the end. I had read pregnant women have cramps when the fertilized egg is attaching to the uterus, so I am not sure what to think. I'm feeling the pain as I write; it started on Thursday and I thought: this doesn't feel like my regular cramps, but it may as well be that my period will come earlier. It didn't. Then as the pain came and went and came again, I thought, well, period will come on the scheduled day. It didn't. Now I'm thinking period will come tomorrow, one day later, or even on Monday, 2 days later, so it means I'm having a 26 day cycle instead of 24 (which has been my average lately).

Someone might ask, why don't I just buy a pregnancy test and get it over with? I don't want to have a positive result too early, because sometimes it may be a chemical pregnancy, when the egg is fertilized but it fails to attach to the uterus. A pregnancy test will turn out positive, but the period will come later. I think I prefer waiting until I know there is no way my period is that much late (like anything more than 27 days), and then do a pregnancy test.

Last night I could barely sleep. Today I watched for the blood to come (sorry for the TMI). I am waiting to be disappointed because I am afraid of feeling happy now and feeling extremely sad later. Does it make any sense? I am writing it all in here because I am not talking about it with anyone. I sense I probably sound very annoying, very paranoid.

There is nothing else I can do other than wait. If I am not pregnant, I've decided I'll go out and have sushi (which I've been avoiding since I started trying to conceive, unless I am having my period and I know I'm not pregnant). I thought about it last week. I like sushi and I know I won't be able to have it once I am pregnant, so rewarding myself with a sushi dinner may be a way to help deal with the sadness and disappointment of yet another 'failed month'.

I'll post again when I know better what is going on. Or if I can't take this hiatus anymore.