Friday, June 24, 2011

All in its time

Baby magic hasn't happened yet. I woke up at 4:49am with cramps, went to the bathroom and learned that I am not pregnant.
I didn't feel sad at first. Perhaps disappointed. But the day went by and I am holding my tears. How can one not be sad? I know it is all too early. All I have done is try to get pregnant for 2 cycles. I should just relax and enjoy the journey. Well, that is the problem - I can't. I may be off antidepressants, but I continue to be this anxious overzealous perfectionist person who doesn't seem to be able to relax, and who is always finding reasons to worry too much.

And yet, I am aware everything (and everyone) has its time. All in its time, all in its right time. I believe in God, and I believe He wants what is best for me, which may or may not include a baby now. I am doing well without the antidepressants, so all I have to do is hang in there.

Some good news is that my parents will be here in 10 days, all the way from Brazil, which is super exciting. I haven't seen them for a year and a half, and I miss them a lot. We have also decided we're going to spend Christmas in Brazil, so I am going to see all of my family in 6 months! Meanwhile, I know I am able to cope with what I've got. Most of all, I am not afraid of getting depressed anymore.

Yesterday I woke up feeling anxious and sick of my stomach, which is never a good feeling, but I know it goes away, and it did. I was feeling much better afterwards. I know that, if I ever have a strong crisis again, I will be able to get over it. No need to fear depression creeping in. I can do this, that is what I tell myself everyday. I am capable and strong. Moreover, I am stronger than my mental illness.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Still hanging in

I've been off Venlafaxine for nearly 2 months. All I'm taking is Kavinace, a supplement that combines vitamin B6, taurine, and something called 4-amino-3-phenylbutyric acid. It supposedly helps with sleep and anxiety by supporting GABA function.

The anxiety attacks haven't returned, thankfully. What I have, sometimes, is this overwhelming sadness that comes all of a sudden. When it happens, I feel like doing nothing, I have no hope for the future, nor find joy in anything. It is very oppressing and scary, because I know it may be depression lingering in here, ready to attack.

My psychiatrist is very happy with the results of these past 2 months, of course, and he firmly believes I (and all the other patients) have to disassociate from the diagnosis. I had lost hope in being without meds, to be honest. I'm still not claiming victory over depression, for it is way too early. I've spent 5 months without medication before.

I may, or may not be pregnant, and I am honestly not getting all psycho about it this month. I will find out this Friday, or perhaps earlier, if my period decides to come 2 days before its due date again! I am only drinking decaf coffee, and not even every day. My husband really convinced me of stopping it. I know caffeine is not good for my anxiety, but I really like coffee :-)

Well, since there is nothing more I can do other than wait, wait I will. Until Friday.