Saturday, June 30, 2012

Taking a break after another BFN

On June 11 at 4:40 am I tested for pregnancy and got another negative result. Three IUIs. Three Big Fat Negatives (BFN). Well, one can only imagine what this does to a person who suffers from depression. Believe it or not, I didn't cry. I just felt bitter.

So this cycle I'm taking a break from all the "fertility crap" (pardon my French), drugs, ultrasounds and bills. We spent 4 thousand dollars. I continue with the gluten-free, dairy-free, red-meat free diet that helps calm down an overactive immune system. I got my act together, talked to an acquaintance who offered to help me (she herself suffered from infertility and has a success story, in spite of a plethora of issues (from polycistic ovarian syndrome to endometriosis, autoimmune disease and sperm abnormality).

I scheduled a urologist appointment for my husband, a post-coital exam for myself, plus a primary care physician appointment so that I can ask my doctor to request some blood work, mainly to check for T natural killer cells (which could be killing the sperm and/or fertilized egg). I also bought a fertility monitor my this acquaintance recommended. It is called Clearblue Fertility Monitor and it does cost some couple hundred bucks. She says it will be the best 200 dollars I've ever spent, so I'll go for it!

Now the second opinion we're looking for. My friend recommended this reproductive endocrinologist. I called, registered, scheduled an appointment. The I asked how much the visit would cost. Why, oh why? 600 dollars. I understand it is a one hour visit, but still... 600? They give a 30% discount if we pay upfront. I understand any discounts are welcome, but still... Just to hear a second opinion?

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to do more IUIs. I know we have only tried 3 times, and we would have higher chances if we tried 3 more... Nevertheless, I would like to make sure there isnt any hidden issue with my body, immune system, etc. It would also be great to hear from the urologist that my husband's speem is just fine. If not, what can we do to change it. Acupuncture is also on my list of "to dos". I'm just waiting to see what our future exams turn up with.

The past few days have been tough. I have to admit Facebook can be daunting, painful, a total disaster when it comes to keeping myself together. There are always people announcing a pregnancy, or complaining about pregnancy issues (poor them, baby is pushing against their ribs! Or maternity leave in this country is so not fair. I'd give up a kidney to be pregnant). I've thought of deactivating my account. Then I thought of not logging in for a whole week. Unfortunately, I know that is not the solution. I get a lot of news from my family through Facebook. They're all overseas thousands and thousands of miles and several time zones away from me. Catching up with my immediate family, plus uncles, aunts, and cousins is so much easier on FB. I'm not giving that up just because that bragging little lady decided to let everyone know she has 2 hearts beating inside of her-hers and the baby. Anyways... That little "hide" button shall do the trick.

I've realized I've become this bitter woman wo resents other people's happiness. This is definitely not who I want to be. I am very happy for this other friend of mine who's pregnant as well. She's 6 months ahead, so her belly is really showing. I think I'm much better after the babies are born. It's the thing about being pregnant that kills me, because I wanted it soooo bad. I've dreamed of it, and imagined myself, my round belly, my giving birth. My children, oh, how previous they'll be. How pretious.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I broke down in tears. My medication is working. Anxiety attacks are a thing from the past. I feel fine. But boy, is infertility tough? It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced, even more than depression, because everyone thinks they are experts about it. Oh, getting knocked up? Sure, we know how to do it! Take a vacation and you'll come back pregnant! Adopt! Why don't you adopt? Haven't you heard the stories of people who adopt and then get pregnant? Wy don't you do IVF? Didn't you hear Betty got pregnant with twins in her first IVF cycle???

I wish I had a coping machine. An actual device I could attach to myself whenever I felt things were getting too hard to bear. I guess I'll just have to do without it.

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