I've been off medication for over 3 weeks now, which means we are trying to conceive (yay), WHICH means I am obsessing about it in a way I probably shouldn't. I still have to wait 12 days until I miss (or not) my period, but I am already starting to worry about what if I'm not pregnant. What could be wrong? My anxious mind is not letting me rest. I took ovulation tests, fertility tests, followed my cycle with a period tracker application on my iTouch, you name it. I stopped drinking coffee as well, for caffeine supposedly decreases fertility. My husband and I followed the advice of the 'every other day' routine, so now there is nothing else I can do other than wait. I don't like waiting :-(
I've been trying not to get too concerned about the what ifs, but the idea that we actually have to try to conceive for at least 6 months before I can go to my OBGYN and say we need to run some tests is nerve-racking. Mostly because we did everything sooo right that there has to be a problem if I don't get pregnant this cycle. Well, I should at least give my other ovary a chance next month, shouldn't I? I also know that some women who obsess too much about it end up not getting pregnant until they relax and let go. Why am I doing this to myself?
This week I told my therapist I feared I was obsessive-compulsive. She doesn't think I am, but she does understand I am getting obsessed about this whole pregnancy project. This is happening, I think, because I've been preparing for so long, stopping the antidepressants, getting sick, going back on the meds, starting the decrease again, and so forth. This has been going on for 8 months already. When I first talked to my former psychiatrist about getting off my meds, she told me it would take me less than 6 months. Well, yeah, it didn't. First she bailed on me, telling me she didn't feel comfortable helping me throughout my pregnancy, so I had to go look for a new doctor. Then I stopped Effexor at 12.5mg and my body did not like it. Then at 6.2mg I had an anxiety attack that left me sick of my stomach for 4 days. Not to mention the spit test results that revealed I was on the verge of adrenal fatigue.
I know things only get harder once I have a baby. I am at a higher risk of having post-partum depression than women who have never suffered from depression before. I'll have a defenceless human being constantly needing care and attention (besides my husband!!!). So sometimes I don't even know if I'm up for all of it. Well, it is about time that I learn to go with the flow and just let things happen as they're supposed to.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Anxious Little Girl
Anxious little girl
Here we go again
Here we go
Pieces of your soul drifting ashore
Little by little you're one no more
You're a puzzle of missing parts
Drizzling rain that becomes a storm
Acute pain that you can't endure
Like a lonely slender tree shaken by the wind
you're turned and tossed and turned once more
There is no end; there is no hope; there is only an empty space - and an empty stomach.
Here we go again
Here we go
Pieces of your soul drifting ashore
Little by little you're one no more
You're a puzzle of missing parts
Drizzling rain that becomes a storm
Acute pain that you can't endure
Like a lonely slender tree shaken by the wind
you're turned and tossed and turned once more
There is no end; there is no hope; there is only an empty space - and an empty stomach.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
We're not in control and it is okay
As I gaze upon the future ahead of me, there are so many things I cannot control. Details, big and small, among other variables.
What can we control? Last week I lost whatever control I had over some very basic body functions, like eating. I couldn't keep myself calm; I couldn't stop shaking; my thoughts raced through my mind with no logic or order. As I felt better physically this week, the emotional toll of last week's crisis started to show. During my therapy session this last Thursday, I found myself tearful just by remembering 'outloud' what had happened. My therapist is wonderful, and she's helped me understand there are things I cannot control, AND it is okay.
The pain is intense, but if I have to shake, I'll shake; if I have to throw up, I'll throw up. I know it will pass. I've been through this before, and it does not last forever. I'm more resilient than I give myself credit for.
So as I discuss my future outloud, and realize the plethora of possibilities and outcomes which I cannot completely control, I am reminded that it is okay. It all shall pass, even if not all of it works out the way I expect. Being okay with no control may be the ultimate challenge of the anxious person. It has been my challenge for years, and I suspect I am still far from the end of the way.
What can we control? Last week I lost whatever control I had over some very basic body functions, like eating. I couldn't keep myself calm; I couldn't stop shaking; my thoughts raced through my mind with no logic or order. As I felt better physically this week, the emotional toll of last week's crisis started to show. During my therapy session this last Thursday, I found myself tearful just by remembering 'outloud' what had happened. My therapist is wonderful, and she's helped me understand there are things I cannot control, AND it is okay.
The pain is intense, but if I have to shake, I'll shake; if I have to throw up, I'll throw up. I know it will pass. I've been through this before, and it does not last forever. I'm more resilient than I give myself credit for.
So as I discuss my future outloud, and realize the plethora of possibilities and outcomes which I cannot completely control, I am reminded that it is okay. It all shall pass, even if not all of it works out the way I expect. Being okay with no control may be the ultimate challenge of the anxious person. It has been my challenge for years, and I suspect I am still far from the end of the way.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Down, down, and back to the surface
It all started last week after my husband said something that really upset me. He said I wanted my mother to go to therapy so that I could blame her for my issues.
My mother is not doing well. She has talked about dying. I had spoken to my sister on the phone and I was extremely concerned. I had lost the car keys the previous Friday, and on the Monday evening my husband said that, I went to sleep feeling extremely said and upset. Sure enough, I woke up nauseous the following morning. Couldn't eat, had diarrhea, restless anxiety, all the same ol' thing of always.
On Wednesday, though, things were 10 times worse. There was no way I could go out and about my day. I had to call my doctor and pledge for some anxiety medication. I was able to eat around 2pm, after spending the whole morning in bed sick like a dog. In the evening, I was able to eat some soup. Thursday morning, the same thing. I was miserable and did not eat again until noon. Soup, yogurt, all the things liquid. Diarrhea was still there and making me lose water and, consequently, weight. On Friday, I took Buspar, which my doctor had prescribed, but it didn't even tickle. Nothing, no effect on my ever restless anxiety. I had to go see my doctor in person. He gave me a supplement called Kavinace, which was recommended by the guys of NeuroScience laboratory, after my spit test showed very low levels of Cortisol and Gaba, plus elevated levels of Glutamate. Cortisol is a hormone that helps people deal with stress, whereas Gaba and Glutamate are neurotransmitters.
On Saturday, after 4 days of forced fasting, I was able to eat breakfast. The nightmare seemed to be over. I was awake, and eating again.
This Tuesday, April 26, after my doctor told me that I could do it, I stopped taking Venlafaxine. I was down to 6.25mg, so the withdrawal symptoms are supposed to be minor. I am feeling a little dizzy, which is typical, but nothing major. We got our new car keys back at the end of last week as well, so I'm back in my car and with the biggest key chain possible. I'll never lose those keys again. I haven't called my family back in my country in over 2 weeks, most likely because I don't want to tell them what happened, and I don't want to get upset again about my mother's own mental issues.
I'm finally off medication. I can't believe it. Now next month I may get pregnant. It is almost like I have no energy left to start such a big project like becoming a mother. On the other hand, being pregnant will cause a hormonal explosion in my body, which, according to my doctor, is just what I need.
My mother is not doing well. She has talked about dying. I had spoken to my sister on the phone and I was extremely concerned. I had lost the car keys the previous Friday, and on the Monday evening my husband said that, I went to sleep feeling extremely said and upset. Sure enough, I woke up nauseous the following morning. Couldn't eat, had diarrhea, restless anxiety, all the same ol' thing of always.
On Wednesday, though, things were 10 times worse. There was no way I could go out and about my day. I had to call my doctor and pledge for some anxiety medication. I was able to eat around 2pm, after spending the whole morning in bed sick like a dog. In the evening, I was able to eat some soup. Thursday morning, the same thing. I was miserable and did not eat again until noon. Soup, yogurt, all the things liquid. Diarrhea was still there and making me lose water and, consequently, weight. On Friday, I took Buspar, which my doctor had prescribed, but it didn't even tickle. Nothing, no effect on my ever restless anxiety. I had to go see my doctor in person. He gave me a supplement called Kavinace, which was recommended by the guys of NeuroScience laboratory, after my spit test showed very low levels of Cortisol and Gaba, plus elevated levels of Glutamate. Cortisol is a hormone that helps people deal with stress, whereas Gaba and Glutamate are neurotransmitters.
On Saturday, after 4 days of forced fasting, I was able to eat breakfast. The nightmare seemed to be over. I was awake, and eating again.
This Tuesday, April 26, after my doctor told me that I could do it, I stopped taking Venlafaxine. I was down to 6.25mg, so the withdrawal symptoms are supposed to be minor. I am feeling a little dizzy, which is typical, but nothing major. We got our new car keys back at the end of last week as well, so I'm back in my car and with the biggest key chain possible. I'll never lose those keys again. I haven't called my family back in my country in over 2 weeks, most likely because I don't want to tell them what happened, and I don't want to get upset again about my mother's own mental issues.
I'm finally off medication. I can't believe it. Now next month I may get pregnant. It is almost like I have no energy left to start such a big project like becoming a mother. On the other hand, being pregnant will cause a hormonal explosion in my body, which, according to my doctor, is just what I need.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead
I've been listening to Adele's latest album '21', and no, I am not romantically heart-broken. But things have been tough. I am down to 6.4mg of venlafaxine, more precisely 1/4 of a 25mg pill, which I have to cut in 4 tiny pieces and hope they're going to have more or less the same amount of medication.
I know it isn't a big deal, there are way more difficult things in life. I've also done the 'spit test' to measure my levels of cortisol and figure out if I need to take serotonin (yeah, in a pill) or not. Truth is life just happens, and the last couple of weeks have been 'happening' a lot. I had a minor car accident and, even though I do not agree I am 100% responsible, my insurance thinks we're going to have to accept liability for it. Nothing happened to my car (hey, that's good, I suppose) but the other party's car had some scratches and a small dent. Insurance will raise next year. Blergh.
My newest accomplishment was losing our car key, which will cost several hundred dollars to replace. No, we don't have a spare copy. The car will need to be towed to the dealership, a new key will have to come from Germany, a new code will have to be put in the key and reprogrammed. Yayyy! I did it. I had lost that key before, but we found it.
So now I'm locked out of my car, waiting for Monday to come so we can order a new key. Not all is bad, my friend lent me one of her cars (she's got 3) so that I can have a car while this whole headache is taken care of. I must confess I have forgotten already my main reason to stop the antidepressants I have been taking for the past 4 years. I don't even know if I want to get pregnant next month, because life happens, and will I be able to hold myself together being pregnant and off meds when life takes any turn that may upset me, like losing a damn car key? I'm not so sure anymore.
I know it isn't a big deal, there are way more difficult things in life. I've also done the 'spit test' to measure my levels of cortisol and figure out if I need to take serotonin (yeah, in a pill) or not. Truth is life just happens, and the last couple of weeks have been 'happening' a lot. I had a minor car accident and, even though I do not agree I am 100% responsible, my insurance thinks we're going to have to accept liability for it. Nothing happened to my car (hey, that's good, I suppose) but the other party's car had some scratches and a small dent. Insurance will raise next year. Blergh.
My newest accomplishment was losing our car key, which will cost several hundred dollars to replace. No, we don't have a spare copy. The car will need to be towed to the dealership, a new key will have to come from Germany, a new code will have to be put in the key and reprogrammed. Yayyy! I did it. I had lost that key before, but we found it.
So now I'm locked out of my car, waiting for Monday to come so we can order a new key. Not all is bad, my friend lent me one of her cars (she's got 3) so that I can have a car while this whole headache is taken care of. I must confess I have forgotten already my main reason to stop the antidepressants I have been taking for the past 4 years. I don't even know if I want to get pregnant next month, because life happens, and will I be able to hold myself together being pregnant and off meds when life takes any turn that may upset me, like losing a damn car key? I'm not so sure anymore.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Why
Why am I carrying
this heavy load that I loathe
this load of reproachfulness
that brings me down
further down
each step of the way?
Did I choose this path
This path of regretfulness
that hits me hard
that hurts me more
much more
than I could ever say?
If life were easier
and my path smoother
and my steps were softer
and my heart felt lighter
Would I still be the same?
If the wind blew slower
and the trees shook gentler
and the roads were calmer
and my mind felt steadier
would I still be the one to blame?
this heavy load that I loathe
this load of reproachfulness
that brings me down
further down
each step of the way?
Did I choose this path
This path of regretfulness
that hits me hard
that hurts me more
much more
than I could ever say?
If life were easier
and my path smoother
and my steps were softer
and my heart felt lighter
Would I still be the same?
If the wind blew slower
and the trees shook gentler
and the roads were calmer
and my mind felt steadier
would I still be the one to blame?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Serenity
I'm better. Things are better. I'm eating well and haven't had nausea in two days. There's hope. There is always hope. I'm back on Venlafaxine, of course, and will have to be more careful when I stop. It has to be slower, much slower. I'm taking two herbs that help ease anxiety - Rhodiola Rosea and Ashwagandha. They've done wonders.
Am I sad? Of course I am. I thought I would be trying to get pregnant by now. I had so many plans. The baby would be born in January. My mother, who will be here in July, would go to the 16 week ultrasound with me. We would find out the baby's gender, it would be beautiful. Instead, I am still taking a drug that can be harmful during pregnancy, therefore I am not getting pregnant. At least not for the time being.
Am I sad? Of course I am. I thought I would be trying to get pregnant by now. I had so many plans. The baby would be born in January. My mother, who will be here in July, would go to the 16 week ultrasound with me. We would find out the baby's gender, it would be beautiful. Instead, I am still taking a drug that can be harmful during pregnancy, therefore I am not getting pregnant. At least not for the time being.
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