Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Infertile Diaries

Hello,world. I'm still alive. Nope, no baby on way yet. Just wishes. And sarcasm. A lot of sarcasm. I've started to mentally mock pregnant women who I see at the park and their obnoxious conversations that center around their pregnancy (ies), their children, their liking to be pregnant or not, which trimester is the worst, and so on.

Also, to my bitter disappointment, my period isn't painless like I expected. I still have cramps and they still require painkillers during the first 2 days. My period isn't any lighter either.

Next month I'll have my 6-month post-surgery appointment. Let's see what the doctor will tell me. I'm taking DHEA, finally, everyday, 3 times a day, to see if I ovulate better. I haven't been able to detect peak fertility the past 2 months. My monitor shows high fertility, but it hasn't showed the egg in 2 months :-( And the month before I was in Canada away from my husband. Oh well.

Sometimes I think it is just not going to happen and I try to move on with my life. We are definitely moving to Brazil this year, most likely in the end of August. I'll be opening my own ESL school. It is scary and exciting at the same time. There is so much to do I feel very overwhelmed. Right now, for example, I should be posting on my school's website, so that I build content and the site won't be so new when I finally start teaching. Instead, I came here, and was surprised to realize I haven't written in 3 months! Time flies.

My husband and I have decided we will not pursue any fertility treatment this year. Maybe when it's been 18 months I had my surgery, I may start looking at it again. We will be living in Brazil, then.

My days are filled with children, and babies, and childcare. I go to the park everyday. I see two, three, four pregnant women on a daily basis. I usually feel sad for a few seconds, then I feel jealous; then I secretly hate the mother-to-be for a minute or two, and finally I let it go and move on. Some pregnant ladies really irritate me; to some I am just indifferent. It varies according to the day. I don't like seeing them; I don't like being reminded that they exist. I wish I could navigate in a pregnancy-free environment, but that's just silly and shallow of me.

I hide the updates of friends who are pregnant (on Facebook), but until I learn they're pregnant it usually takes an ultrasound photo or a pompous status update. I never dwell on it. I hide it as quick as I can. No lingering on other people's baby bump photos or newborn joy. I want them out of my screen. I lead a child-free life. I don't know what it feels like to have heart-burn because I'm pregnant. I don't want to read about it. I just don't care.

I'm also tired of having sex because "I have to". It's been almost 2 years of trying to conceive and it sucks. I wish I felt different but I don't. I try to be excited about it, but the truth is the dates are already settled. Once I reach day 7 or 8 of my cycle, I know the "marathon" has to start and procreation sex shall be had on a daily or every other day basis. I believe acknowledging this feeling is emotionally healthy for me.

I also know I've been putting of doing things related to our move to Brazil because I am somehow reluctant about it. Part of me doesn't want to leave California.

So, that's what's going on with me. Same old, same old it seems. I wish for one positive result. Even if I miscarry. Of course I don't want to, but I'd like to know we can get pregnant.

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