Thursday, November 10, 2011


I have been away from here, perhaps because medication has been working well, so I don't feel the "need" to stop and reflect about my feelings. My therapist had asked me to try writing here and there, so I could channel my emotions into powerful statements of self-assurance...

I'm having some side effects I don't like. I dream vivid, anxious dreams all night long, it seems. My dreams tend to repeat themselves and mix what I like to call my "two realities", Brazil and California. I dream I'm there, but living this life, here, or sometimes it's a mix of my former life in Brazil but with elements of my current life here. I have constipation, which I've never had in my life. Still, the benefits of medication out weight the side effect.

Last month, when I had the confirmation that I was not pregnant, I cried. I cried in therapy later on, too, and it felt good. I hadn't cried for a while. I have my yearly OBGYN appointment scheduled for January, so until then I need to relax and let go. This month I had all the signs of ovulation, but the ovulation tests say otherwise. I did not get a positive result. I use the ClearBlue digital ovulation test, so there is no gray area. I'm either ovulating, or I'm not. I felt the urge to call my doctor and try to have an appointment just to address my possible infertility problems, but I've been able to contain myself. I can wait until January. It is not a big deal.

Life has been going on as busy as possible. I'm writing a paper for one of the classes I'm taking, it is almost all done. I'm on page 4 out of 5! wooo... I'm also enjoying my French classes and I plan to enroll on Beginning French II, which starts in January. It is finally cold in California, and I haven't been exercising much, but I'm giving myself a break from self-criticism. I'll exercise when I feel like it. Today I have mainly worked on my paper, which is due November 23. I have to mail it in to the professor, so it needs to be done by the 20, I say. I'll probably be done earlier, hopefully this Sunday, or Monday. I wished to be done today, but I don't think I have enough concentration left in me to do it.

I so wish I was pregnant by now. I really did. I dreamed of being 3 months pregnant, waiting for that ultrasound that reveals the baby's gender, waiting to be able to announce to the world that I have a baby coming! But it hasn't happened. I have to keep on living, and living as best as I can, because that is the only life I have.

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