Sunday, November 20, 2011

It's time to be thankful, but I'm not

I resent that I'm not pregnant. I envy every single woman I see with a child. I want a baby. It's been 7 months and 8 cycles, for goodness sake. How much longer is it going to take?

I'm on my period and it has been bitter. I have painful cramps when I'm off the pill. I had some spotting earlier last week and I actually thought I was pregnant. Spotting is a sign of pregnancy, plus the pain in my breasts seemed to be more intense this month. I did a pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative. Then, a couple hours later, my period came, accompanied by a lot of pain, physical and emotional, that is.

I should be thankful for all that I have, but I am greedy. I want it all- I want a baby; not just any baby, a healthy, perfect, wonderful baby. Conceived by my husband and I, naturally, lovingly...

Isn't it flawed enough that I need to be on antidepressants while trying to start a family? Do I also have to suffer to get there?

I know, I know I sound like a broken record; I'm fixated on this idea of getting pregnant. I
want it and I want it now. And it's not happening. Sometimes I'm walking down the street and I
daydream of my growing belly, of the pains and wonders of motherhood, of the delivery, then my
baby boy or girl, holding him/her, the photos, the clothes, the joy, ah! The joy.

Am I being ungrateful? Am I asking too much? Can't it just happen one of these following

I'm seeing my OBGYN in January. We'll run some tests, see what's going on. I will have had
other 3 cycles by the time she sees me. We're going to Brazil for the holidays. It will be a
lot of traveling. My husband says it is actually better that I'm not pregnant right now. I
don't know. I want it too much, perhaps. I dream of it too much. Even of the sickness, the
throwing up, the joy, the joy of motherhood.

But I need to be thankful. Thankful that my depression symptoms are under control; thankful that I am overall healthy; thankful that I have family and friends, and support.

All I want for Christmas is a baby growing in the oven. That's all. It seems that's too much to ask for.

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