As I Suspected

Spotting started this late afternoon. I cried a bit more at the doctor's - I had my monthly visit with my psychiatrist today. I'm going for an ultrasound this Thursday to make sure my ovaries are quiet so that I can start Femara again. IUI #3 here we go...

Persistence Pays off, or doesn't it?

Last month's IUI didn't result in pregnancy. Instead, I had spotting from day 23 of my cycle until the progesterone suppositories couldn't hold it anymore and my period came, one day before I was supposed to test for pregnancy. So this month our second IUI was on May 2. Everything looked great. My husband's numbers were great, my numbers were great, my uterus lining was "fabulous", and I even had some spotting 5 days after the procedure. Could it be a sign of implantation? Then, a few days ago, I started having cramps and some pain on my lower back similar to when I'm about to get my period. I've been testing and, so far, it's negative. Not even a faint line. I'm supposed to test this Wednesday, 2 weeks after the IUI, but I think I already know the result: not pregnant. Saturday morning, as I drove to church, I sobbed bitterly, in the safe refuge of my car. I hadn't cried that hard for a long time. My antidepressant is working wonderfully, so I feel pretty well, but the pain of not being pregnant AGAIN was too strong this time. Some may say I'm suffering in advance, after all, there are still 2 days to go, but sometimes you can just feel it, and as much as I want to be pregnant, I don't want to build up my expectations over negative tests and cramps from the past 3 days. It is clearly not happening this cycle. So in my mind I know we have to be persistent, we have to be patient and move forward. My husband always says persistence pays off. I so want to believe that. Today, though, I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sad, discouraged, frustrated, tired. I need a best friend's hug, a good cry, a reason for hope. I need to hear from someone with authority that it IS going to happen, and happen soon. I just need to be patient - and persistent - and it will pay off someday. My question is: when? And can I endure the wait?

The Journey Without an End

 I'm threading this path and it seems there is no end, and I'm alone, at times, alone in my longing, in my dream of becoming a mother. The IUI did not happen last month. It is tragic and comic that we missed the very strict laboratory hours due to day light savings time. It was a Sunday morning, March 11. The lab would be open only from 8 to 8:30. We woke up thinking it was 7am, but it was actually 8. We got to the lab at what we thought was 7:50am,  but... Yes, the lab was closed.  I called the doctor sobbing, begging her to find another laboratory, another way. She tried her best, but no luck. She told me to go home and try on our own to conceive. So knows? Maybe it would still happen. It didn't. I didn't cry when the pregnancy test revealed I was not pregnant, 2 weeks after our failed IUI attempt. I didn't cry, but it hurt. Silent punches on my face. Not pregnant again.

 Today, a cycle later, things worked better. We didn't miss the lab hours. The specimen was collected, and I patiently await for the sperm wash to be completed while I type these words on my iPad. I have 2 follicles on my right ovary. Two hopes of starting a family. If not, next month. There is always next month. Why does this journey seem to be endless? I don't know. Sometimes I fear the path ahead. Sometimes I'm sure everything will be all right. Sometimes I do not think; I stand still in time and history, as if it were possible to do so. I stop my existence and remain in limbo, waiting for the day I am blessed with the joy of motherhood.

I know, I am not still. I am religiously taking the hormones I am told to take: the medication that makes me release extra eggs, the spray of estrogen that guarantees my lining is thick enough to support the embryo's implantation, the injection on my belly that makes me ovulate precisely after 36 hours, making this IUI  more of an exact science, the vaginal suppositories of progesterone that help keep the embryo in, in case of pregnancy. I feel I'm being prepped and pumped like fat cattle ready for slaughter. I've gained a few pounds, more than I wished to. I feel my anxiety has turned from nausea to compulsive eating, at times. I fear the results of so many drugs in my system. Mind you, I do not have any fertility problems myself. Yet, the fact that I am healthy and fertile but need all the extra help makes me bitter sometimes. Not much, just a tiny little bit of anger. I love my husband, and it isn't his fault if his sperm count isn't great. It isn't my fault either. I tell myself I'll do whatever it takes. And if it means taking Femara, Evamist, hCG, Prometrium, well, so be it. I'll worry about breast cancer later. Or will I? Next step takes place soon. Soon after I finish typing these words, put away my computer, get into the car and drive to the laboratory, and then to the medical office where I may hopefully get pregnant with my very first intrauterine insemination. Wish me luck.

It's this Sunday

My first IUI  - intrauterine insemination - will take place Sunday morning, after 9am. I have 3 gorgeous follicles getting ready for ovulation; a 19mm, an 18mm, and a 14mm. I think they're measured in mm. I have no idea, hahahaha! Those were the numbers the doctor used - a 19, an 18, and a 14. My uterus lining was a bit thin, so I've used Evamist, for estrogen, which will thicken my lining. I've taken Femara  during days 3 to 7 of my cycle as well. Tonight, I'll give myself an hCG shot to trigger ovulation. 36 hours after tonight, I'll be ovulating and the IUI will be done. Hopefully I'll be one of the 20% of women who conceives with only one IUI. Hopefully. Oh, I had my tubes flushed and they were not obstructed or anything, so all looks good. Now they're extra clean - free way for those 13 million sperm to get things going! But I hope I don't get pregnant with triplets. Can you just imagine???
Nevertheless, If I get pregnant, I'll be puking with joy, and I shall never complain of back pain when my belly is round and heavy. I'll be the happiest pregnant woman on earth. I swear. Say a prayer for me if you follow this blog. Sunday morning, pacific time. I'll keep you posted!

Artificial Insemination

I haven't written for a while as things are really busy, but all our tests are done and it seems everything is fine with me. The sperm, on the other hand, is not great. It isn't bad, but it's not great. So my doctor suggested that we do an intrauterine insemination. The sperm will be "washed", getting rid of the 2/3 of sperm that are not mobile, and concentrating the 1/3 that is (approximately 13 million). Then that "sperm juice" will be shot inside me at the exact period of ovulation (I'll be monitored by ultrasound to determine the ovulation date). This way, we have a greater chance of getting pregnant. Besides that, I will also take Letrozole, which will increase even more my chances of conceiving.

So, according to my doctor, we are not really categorized as "infertility" per se. 13 million good sperm is more than enough (a good number is 10 million). What happens is the other 26 million sperm that are not mobile sort of get in the way of the good sperm. I would eventually get pregnant, but it could take another year.

Cost wise, we'll be spending 600 American dollars for the whole process, including the sperm wash, the office visit and ultrasound to determine my ovulation, the insemination itself, and Letrozol, which is very inexpensive.  I'm taking Letrozole (brand name is Femara)  and not Clomid because it seems Letrozole is actually better than Clomid. I will also need to have a shot to speed ovulation so the doctors know I'll ovulate in exactly 48 hours and then we can schedule the insemination.

It all sounds very artificial to me (of course, it is artificial insemination after all). Nevertheless, I have a friend who got pregnant taking Femara and her baby is smart and healthy. Hopefully that will be my case, too.

I may be also flushing my tubes to make sure there are no obstructions. That will be done before the insemination.

So last week was the last time we tried conceiving naturally. Part of me really, really hopes I am pregnant without any help, but if I'm not, now I know why. Then next month we will take action.

I've been slightly more anxious since this all happened, and I've also had nightmares. Nevertheless, I am hopeful it all works out. We have a budget for 3 months of artificial insemination, if necessary. It all adds up, and simply conceiving a baby may cost nearly 2 thousand dollars. A friend of mine told me that it is all worth it, because when I finally hold my baby, I'll forget all that is past.

Concerning my antidepressants, my psychiatrist and I have a plan. I'll continue taking Cymbalta in a lower dosage for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy, simply because if I suffer a miscarriage, I do not want to fall into deep depression. Once the first trimester is over, I'll slowly stop my meds and continue pregnancy without them. Depending on how I do, we may or may not put me immediately back on medication right after delivery. Hopefully I'll be able to breastfeed for a few months before I lack serotonin and cortisol. I'll keep you all posted!

Test 1 Done

Progesterone blood work done today, the 20th day of my cycle. Now Just waiting for the results to find out if I've ovulated this month.

Next step - around February 4 - possibly the 3rd day of my next cycle. New blood work will be done on this day to determine hormone levels (if they are in the levels to support pregnancy), thyroid hormones included :-)

Meanwhile all I can do is wait. Root for me!

Happy 2012

I'm back from my 3 week trip overseas and it was a blast. Especially the last week. We were in Salvador, Bahia, one of the oldest cities in Brazil, full of history, beautiful architecture, and warm turquoise blue waters. I loved being at the beach... it was great,

I would love to announce that I am pregnant, but unfortunately that hasn't come true yet. I was in Brazil, I was relaxed, I was on vacation, the weather was perfect, but it did not happen.

Yesterday I went to the doctor and we'll do a bunch of tests to figure out what is going on. The doctor was excited and told me we'll get this going. So I'm excited too. Even if there isn't anything wrong I may want to take some Clomid to release more eggs and raise my chances of getting pregnant. Or do a sperm wash and inject it so the sperm do not have to swim.

I'm doing some blodd work this Friday, the 20th day of my cycle, and then more blood work on the 3rd day of my next cycle. I already have hubby's kit for him to collect his "special men" and take it to the lab. Doctor wants to see us in no later than a month.

Let's keep positive! Hopefully I'll be pregnant within 3-4 months or so :-)