Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Going back to meds

Today it's been 3 months I'm off antidepressants. Today I also had a miserable morning throwing up and shaking with uncontrollable anxiety. I had Odwalla smoothies all day long, because I couldn't eat anything solid. I had soup for dinner, finally. I also agreed with my doctor, whom I saw this afternoon, that I need to get back on meds.

I feel defeated. I feel a failure. My husband says I set my expectations too high. He may be right, but it still hurts to realize 3 months was all I could handle off meds.

I took my parents to the airport for their flight back home yesterday. We left at 7am. I stayed in the airport watching them go through security, holding back my tears, feeling guilty for not having enjoyed their presence more. I wish I had been more affectionate, more pleasing, more everything. So I got back home from the airport  near 9am and started feeling sick of my stomach. I threw up, went back to bed, and tried to rest. I got out of bed at around 11am and spent the day cleaning and crying. I mostly drank smoothies and yogurt, for I was already having the beginning of what was today a full blown anxiety attack.

I don't know the name of the medication I'll be taking but it won't be Effexor. It will be a sort of fast-acting antidepressant, easier to get off than Effexor. I'll pick it up at the pharmacy tomorrow. My doctor says I can still get pregnant, and as soon as I do, we'll take me out of the meds. I haven't really thought much about it. I still wish to start a family, but right now all I can think of is getting physically better. No shaking, no nausea, no vomiting. Those are my goals right now.

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