Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Tomorrow is another day

I had a good morning. No shaking, no throwing up. I was able to drink smoothies in the morning, and eat salad and soup for lunch. Yet, I feel this despair that has no explanation. All the stores and markets I went to with my parents remind me of them. I walked into Whole Foods at noon to grab some soup and felt an overwhelming sadness, because the last time I had been there, I had my parents here with me. Yesterday, when my husband and I went to Costco, it was the same thing. I walked in and remembered my parents, and felt sad, sad, sad. It is almost like I've lost them, even though they're safe and sound back home to their routine, their jobs, their house. It is like I'm going through the whole grief of moving away from them again.

I wish I had told them more how much they meant to me. Of course I can call them and let them know right now. So why am I so sad? Well, I think I'm depressed. There's no other explanation.

I talked to my doctor this afternoon and he recommends that I start the new antidepressant tomorrow morning. I still need to go pick it up at the pharmacy today.

I used to be able to write away all my sadness in poetry. I have written hundreds of poems in Portuguese, my mother tongue. I've written dozens in English too. Now I feel I'm at a loss. I don't have the motivation to write other than what I'm writing here. So that's all I'm doing now. Writing this blog, hoping tomorrow is a better day.

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