Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I talk to much. I reveal more than necessary. I feel this need to explain myself or even others' reasons not to do this or drink that. Then, when someone points it out to me, (because I do not realize what I'm doing) I feel really bad.

When people ask me when we're having a baby, I can't just answer 'oh, we're trying', and drop the topic. I keep on enumerating the many trials I've gone through and how it's been 5 months already. Maybe I am simply eager for conversation. Maybe it is because I am lonely and far away from my best friends and family. Maybe I've always been that way and it is really hard to change.

It doesn't really matter why; What I have right now is this guilt and the wish I had been quieter.

Guilt feeds depression, so this isn't good.

Concerning my week, I did okay. I saw doctor on Friday and as much as he is happy I'm coping without medication, he knows depression is there, lingering underneath. He's not sure it is worth suffering so that I can have an antidepressant free pregnancy. I am not sure either.

There is the concern of 'getting used to being depressed'. It isn't what I want, I know, but I may be doing exactly that: getting used to feeling down, unmotivated, low, as long as I'm not anxious and sick of my stomach.

I enrolled in two courses of the Stanford Continuing Studies program and I am excited. Not extremely excited, but excited. Classes start on September 26. I'll be reading the Aeneid for one class, and studying French in the other class. I've always wanted to learn French (after I mastered English, that is), so I hope I can learn a little bit. I know intellectual stimulation makes me happy. I need things that make me happy. Happy things, happy places, happy me :-) Hopefully.

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