Monday, August 15, 2011

What just happened?

Last Monday, exactly a week ago, I didn't sleep at night. I saw every hour go by while I tried in vain to keep my eyes shut to fall asleep. I had read a thriller book for nearly 6 hours, and the dialogues from the story kept repeating themselves in my mind. I couldn't stop it. Can a book do that? At 6am on Tuesday I felt like throwing up. All the usual stomach sickness took over and I could barely drink my fruit smoothie. The day went by and the restlessness and anxiety I was feeling didn't give me a single break. My doctor was away on vacation, to top things off. I had a brief phone conversation with him, in which he suggested that I take Xanax in case I couldn't fall asleep again. Tuesday evening came and I kept shaking and fidgeting, unable to relax. I needed 0.5mg of Xanax to finally succumb to slumber. Wednesday morning brought the same anxiety back. I was sick of my stomach and extremely restless for most of Wednesday and Thursday. The only good news is that I was able to fall asleep without Xanax.

We went on our camping trip on Thursday evening, and on Friday morning I was able to eat normally. The crisis was over! In my mind, I was decided to go back on medication today. I had made a deal with everybody saying that, if I had another crisis, I would go back on medication. My husband thinks I could stay a little longer without taking anything. I know these attacks don't last longer than 4 days, I know they're not life threatening, and I am learning how to cope with them. It sucks, though. It really sucks being sick like that. The shaking, the fidgeting, the racing thoughts, it is awful.

Why did I read a thriller book? I know this was my fault. My husband was reading this zombie series in his Kindle and I started reading it over his shoulder. Then I decided to read it too, so I transferred it to my e-reader and surprise, surprise! I read it from 6:30pm to 1:30am. No wonder I couldn't sleep afterwards. A zombie book. What is wrong with me? It wasn't even a good book. Catchy page-turner, but not good. I had never imagined I would get into this hyper-manic state and not be able to shut down my mind. I couldn't sleep the whole night, and it is no surprise I was so restless, anxious and sick of my stomach the following 3 days.

Also, Wednesday morning my period came. I was actually relieved I wasn't pregnant. I took Xanax the night before, and Xanax and pregnancy do not go together. I am going to see my doctor on Friday, and my therapist on Thursday, so maybe I can try to figure out what my next steps are going to be.

I am honestly thinking I am going to stop trying to get pregnant. Just stop. If it happens, it happens. It would be nice if it happened fast because I could use some pregnancy hormones to regulate my mood (according to doctor).

So last week was a blur. I kept asking myself what just happened. Did I really cause myself to have an anxiety attack by reading a zombie book? It seems so. No coffee and no zombie books for me. And no obsessively trying to get pregnant either.

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