I removed the sterol strips yesterday and my incisions look beautiful. I can't believe they took my appendix put through one f them! Wen the doctor said the stitches would dissolve, he wasn't kidding. There are no stitches. The 4 small insidious look more like scratches and I can tell I won't have any scars. Amazing.
Of course, meanwhile I learned Shakira is pregnant, and an acquaintance invited me for her baby shower. Those are always downers. Not sure why Shakira being pregnant bothers me. Perhaps I would like her to suffer from infertility as well? Perhaps because she's 35 years old and it all seems so easy? Who knows. Anyways I remain in complete abstinence here, as I must wait 2 weeks after surgery to resume our "ttc" routine. My post-op appointment is this Friday.
Life remains beautiful and sunny in Northern California. Fall is here, with its many shades of reddish brown. I made gluten free, dairy free pumpkin cupcakes before surgery. They were delicious. I'm looking forward to making zucchini bread next.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Hopefully we'll have a pregnancy next year. If we're lucky, I'll get a positive pregnancy test for Christmas.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Updates, updates
I haven't written in FOREVER and I know, I know... My bad. I'm currently recovering from a laparoscopy - yes, it turns out I have endometriosis. We decided to go for surgery and here I am, recovering. I was operated at Stanford Hospital, on October 2nd, by the very famous Dr. Camram Nezhat, specialist in endometriosis.
I still have to hear from my doctor what he saw inside my pelvic cavity... The assistant surgeon would not tell us! He said there was a lot of endometriosis, but they removed it all - including my appendix- and I should have no trouble conceiving from now on. I really want to believe that, but you know, once you go through infertility, you're scared to death to HOPE. Hope, hope hope. I had so much hope with the IUI's and all.
Before the surgery, I researched a lot about endometriosis and diet, and it turns out a dairy-free, gluten-free diet, with no red meat and low sugar is ideal. I've followed the diet and I did notice improvement during the 2 cycles that preceded my operation. I am going to continue following the diet, perhaps even become vegan. I know it sounds extreme, but if that is what it takes, I'm willing to do it. I don't want to go through surgery again, if I can avoid it.
The year is almost over. Halloween advertisement is at its full force. Costco has Christmas decoration items for sale. This is probably my last winter in America- we intend to move back to Brazil next Spring. Will I be pregnant by then? I don't know. I want to believe I will, but it may take another 6 months before we conceive.
Depression wise, I'm still taking Cymbalta 60mg. Nothing has changed. I may as well need medication for the rest of my life, unless things change. A very happy thanksgiving to my Canadian Friends!
God bless,
Ivana
I still have to hear from my doctor what he saw inside my pelvic cavity... The assistant surgeon would not tell us! He said there was a lot of endometriosis, but they removed it all - including my appendix- and I should have no trouble conceiving from now on. I really want to believe that, but you know, once you go through infertility, you're scared to death to HOPE. Hope, hope hope. I had so much hope with the IUI's and all.
Before the surgery, I researched a lot about endometriosis and diet, and it turns out a dairy-free, gluten-free diet, with no red meat and low sugar is ideal. I've followed the diet and I did notice improvement during the 2 cycles that preceded my operation. I am going to continue following the diet, perhaps even become vegan. I know it sounds extreme, but if that is what it takes, I'm willing to do it. I don't want to go through surgery again, if I can avoid it.
The year is almost over. Halloween advertisement is at its full force. Costco has Christmas decoration items for sale. This is probably my last winter in America- we intend to move back to Brazil next Spring. Will I be pregnant by then? I don't know. I want to believe I will, but it may take another 6 months before we conceive.
Depression wise, I'm still taking Cymbalta 60mg. Nothing has changed. I may as well need medication for the rest of my life, unless things change. A very happy thanksgiving to my Canadian Friends!
God bless,
Ivana
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
News almost a month old!
I haven't posted in a month and I feel really bad about it! Things remain as they are. I'm not pregnant, even though I ovulated and we kept ttc. A new cycle started last Sunday, so here we go again. I continue on the gluten free dairy free diet, even thoug my blood work came back just fine. No auto immune antibodies, no extra natural killer cells. I'm not attacking myself and I'm not attacking my husband's boys. Hubby is well, too. The urologist said is numbers are good enough, and everything seems to be in order down there! Nevertheless, we haven't conceived, so the question remains.... Next Monday I will have a pelvic exam done to determine if I have any endometriosis. I surely do not have any symptoms of endometriosis. But... We are trying anything these days! I've tried to be more positive and not hate every single pregnant woman I meet on the street. I want to believe I am exactly where God wants me to be right now in my life, in spite of infertility, depression, uncertainties... Now is the time to be happy, with or without my so wanted baby.
Monday, July 2, 2012
New Low
My period came today, starring the shortest cycle I've ever had: 20 days. I'm a bit afraid all those fertility drugs messed me up. Hopefully next cycle will be normal.
Last night my husband and I were lying on the couch watching TV. When the show was over I leaned on his shoulder, we kissed and were affectionate with each other. It was almost time for bed, and I told him "wow, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got divorced! They've been married for 5 years. We've made it longer than them!". Sometimes I like to joke around whenever I hear another celebrity couple split up, saying we've made it longer than them. It's not the first time I've said something like that. However, my husband's response was painful and unexpected. He looked at me and said "but they have a kid, and we don't!". He even had a smile on his face! When I asked him why he would say such thing, he told me that since I was criticizing Mr. and Mrs. Cruise, he reminded me we don't have a kid. I asked my husband if he thought this was all a big joke. I once more explained I had never suffered so much in my life as I've suffered those past few months, especially with the failed IUIs. We got into an argument when he said I've been dramatizing this since day one . He said I'm not helping myself by joining infertility forums and "scratching the wound" every single day on the internet, on blogs and so on. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I explained I didn't think sweeping my pain and fears under the rug and never talking about it would help me at all. Knowledge is power, the more I learn, the better prepared I am. After saying that, I simply left and went to bed. I think he stayed up another hour or so working on the computer.
Then, this morning, period comes. Yay! I hated my life. I felt so sad and alone, misunderstood, and devastated that my husband and I do not seem to be on the same page at all. 15 months trying to conceive, 3 failed IUIs and he thinks I'm spending too much time scratching the wound. This ugly wound called Infertility. I realize I've reached a new low.
This good friend of mine who has given me so much valuable informatin emailed me this morning. She said she talked to her neighbor, who's an OBGYN. She explained my situation, the IUIs, the HSG (Femvue) I did, and this doctor really thinks the problem is with the sperm. She advised me to go to GNC and ask the people there for a multivitamin with fish oil for my husband. So let's see. The urologist appointment is on July 13.
I saw lots of pregnant women today. How I wish one of them was me.
Last night my husband and I were lying on the couch watching TV. When the show was over I leaned on his shoulder, we kissed and were affectionate with each other. It was almost time for bed, and I told him "wow, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got divorced! They've been married for 5 years. We've made it longer than them!". Sometimes I like to joke around whenever I hear another celebrity couple split up, saying we've made it longer than them. It's not the first time I've said something like that. However, my husband's response was painful and unexpected. He looked at me and said "but they have a kid, and we don't!". He even had a smile on his face! When I asked him why he would say such thing, he told me that since I was criticizing Mr. and Mrs. Cruise, he reminded me we don't have a kid. I asked my husband if he thought this was all a big joke. I once more explained I had never suffered so much in my life as I've suffered those past few months, especially with the failed IUIs. We got into an argument when he said I've been dramatizing this since day one . He said I'm not helping myself by joining infertility forums and "scratching the wound" every single day on the internet, on blogs and so on. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I explained I didn't think sweeping my pain and fears under the rug and never talking about it would help me at all. Knowledge is power, the more I learn, the better prepared I am. After saying that, I simply left and went to bed. I think he stayed up another hour or so working on the computer.
Then, this morning, period comes. Yay! I hated my life. I felt so sad and alone, misunderstood, and devastated that my husband and I do not seem to be on the same page at all. 15 months trying to conceive, 3 failed IUIs and he thinks I'm spending too much time scratching the wound. This ugly wound called Infertility. I realize I've reached a new low.
This good friend of mine who has given me so much valuable informatin emailed me this morning. She said she talked to her neighbor, who's an OBGYN. She explained my situation, the IUIs, the HSG (Femvue) I did, and this doctor really thinks the problem is with the sperm. She advised me to go to GNC and ask the people there for a multivitamin with fish oil for my husband. So let's see. The urologist appointment is on July 13.
I saw lots of pregnant women today. How I wish one of them was me.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Waiting for That Day
My time will come
My shooting star will shine
My sorrow will become
The reason for a smile
My time is near
My tears will be dry
And love will bloom, my dear
I'll never ever cry
The bedrooms will be full
Of laughter and joy
We'll walk them all to school
Our dog, our girl, our boy.
We'll lead a happy life
Quite simple, by the sea
Our kids will grow and thrive
How grateful we'll be!
So while we wait and pray
With empty arms and sunken heart
We dream about the day
Our happiness will start.
My shooting star will shine
My sorrow will become
The reason for a smile
My time is near
My tears will be dry
And love will bloom, my dear
I'll never ever cry
The bedrooms will be full
Of laughter and joy
We'll walk them all to school
Our dog, our girl, our boy.
We'll lead a happy life
Quite simple, by the sea
Our kids will grow and thrive
How grateful we'll be!
So while we wait and pray
With empty arms and sunken heart
We dream about the day
Our happiness will start.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Taking a break after another BFN
On June 11 at 4:40 am I tested for pregnancy and got another negative result. Three IUIs. Three Big Fat Negatives (BFN). Well, one can only imagine what this does to a person who suffers from depression. Believe it or not, I didn't cry. I just felt bitter.
So this cycle I'm taking a break from all the "fertility crap" (pardon my French), drugs, ultrasounds and bills. We spent 4 thousand dollars. I continue with the gluten-free, dairy-free, red-meat free diet that helps calm down an overactive immune system. I got my act together, talked to an acquaintance who offered to help me (she herself suffered from infertility and has a success story, in spite of a plethora of issues (from polycistic ovarian syndrome to endometriosis, autoimmune disease and sperm abnormality).
I scheduled a urologist appointment for my husband, a post-coital exam for myself, plus a primary care physician appointment so that I can ask my doctor to request some blood work, mainly to check for T natural killer cells (which could be killing the sperm and/or fertilized egg). I also bought a fertility monitor my this acquaintance recommended. It is called Clearblue Fertility Monitor and it does cost some couple hundred bucks. She says it will be the best 200 dollars I've ever spent, so I'll go for it!
Now the second opinion we're looking for. My friend recommended this reproductive endocrinologist. I called, registered, scheduled an appointment. The I asked how much the visit would cost. Why, oh why? 600 dollars. I understand it is a one hour visit, but still... 600? They give a 30% discount if we pay upfront. I understand any discounts are welcome, but still... Just to hear a second opinion?
I'm not sure when I'll be ready to do more IUIs. I know we have only tried 3 times, and we would have higher chances if we tried 3 more... Nevertheless, I would like to make sure there isnt any hidden issue with my body, immune system, etc. It would also be great to hear from the urologist that my husband's speem is just fine. If not, what can we do to change it. Acupuncture is also on my list of "to dos". I'm just waiting to see what our future exams turn up with.
The past few days have been tough. I have to admit Facebook can be daunting, painful, a total disaster when it comes to keeping myself together. There are always people announcing a pregnancy, or complaining about pregnancy issues (poor them, baby is pushing against their ribs! Or maternity leave in this country is so not fair. I'd give up a kidney to be pregnant). I've thought of deactivating my account. Then I thought of not logging in for a whole week. Unfortunately, I know that is not the solution. I get a lot of news from my family through Facebook. They're all overseas thousands and thousands of miles and several time zones away from me. Catching up with my immediate family, plus uncles, aunts, and cousins is so much easier on FB. I'm not giving that up just because that bragging little lady decided to let everyone know she has 2 hearts beating inside of her-hers and the baby. Anyways... That little "hide" button shall do the trick.
I've realized I've become this bitter woman wo resents other people's happiness. This is definitely not who I want to be. I am very happy for this other friend of mine who's pregnant as well. She's 6 months ahead, so her belly is really showing. I think I'm much better after the babies are born. It's the thing about being pregnant that kills me, because I wanted it soooo bad. I've dreamed of it, and imagined myself, my round belly, my giving birth. My children, oh, how previous they'll be. How pretious.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I broke down in tears. My medication is working. Anxiety attacks are a thing from the past. I feel fine. But boy, is infertility tough? It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced, even more than depression, because everyone thinks they are experts about it. Oh, getting knocked up? Sure, we know how to do it! Take a vacation and you'll come back pregnant! Adopt! Why don't you adopt? Haven't you heard the stories of people who adopt and then get pregnant? Wy don't you do IVF? Didn't you hear Betty got pregnant with twins in her first IVF cycle???
I wish I had a coping machine. An actual device I could attach to myself whenever I felt things were getting too hard to bear. I guess I'll just have to do without it.
So this cycle I'm taking a break from all the "fertility crap" (pardon my French), drugs, ultrasounds and bills. We spent 4 thousand dollars. I continue with the gluten-free, dairy-free, red-meat free diet that helps calm down an overactive immune system. I got my act together, talked to an acquaintance who offered to help me (she herself suffered from infertility and has a success story, in spite of a plethora of issues (from polycistic ovarian syndrome to endometriosis, autoimmune disease and sperm abnormality).
I scheduled a urologist appointment for my husband, a post-coital exam for myself, plus a primary care physician appointment so that I can ask my doctor to request some blood work, mainly to check for T natural killer cells (which could be killing the sperm and/or fertilized egg). I also bought a fertility monitor my this acquaintance recommended. It is called Clearblue Fertility Monitor and it does cost some couple hundred bucks. She says it will be the best 200 dollars I've ever spent, so I'll go for it!
Now the second opinion we're looking for. My friend recommended this reproductive endocrinologist. I called, registered, scheduled an appointment. The I asked how much the visit would cost. Why, oh why? 600 dollars. I understand it is a one hour visit, but still... 600? They give a 30% discount if we pay upfront. I understand any discounts are welcome, but still... Just to hear a second opinion?
I'm not sure when I'll be ready to do more IUIs. I know we have only tried 3 times, and we would have higher chances if we tried 3 more... Nevertheless, I would like to make sure there isnt any hidden issue with my body, immune system, etc. It would also be great to hear from the urologist that my husband's speem is just fine. If not, what can we do to change it. Acupuncture is also on my list of "to dos". I'm just waiting to see what our future exams turn up with.
The past few days have been tough. I have to admit Facebook can be daunting, painful, a total disaster when it comes to keeping myself together. There are always people announcing a pregnancy, or complaining about pregnancy issues (poor them, baby is pushing against their ribs! Or maternity leave in this country is so not fair. I'd give up a kidney to be pregnant). I've thought of deactivating my account. Then I thought of not logging in for a whole week. Unfortunately, I know that is not the solution. I get a lot of news from my family through Facebook. They're all overseas thousands and thousands of miles and several time zones away from me. Catching up with my immediate family, plus uncles, aunts, and cousins is so much easier on FB. I'm not giving that up just because that bragging little lady decided to let everyone know she has 2 hearts beating inside of her-hers and the baby. Anyways... That little "hide" button shall do the trick.
I've realized I've become this bitter woman wo resents other people's happiness. This is definitely not who I want to be. I am very happy for this other friend of mine who's pregnant as well. She's 6 months ahead, so her belly is really showing. I think I'm much better after the babies are born. It's the thing about being pregnant that kills me, because I wanted it soooo bad. I've dreamed of it, and imagined myself, my round belly, my giving birth. My children, oh, how previous they'll be. How pretious.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I broke down in tears. My medication is working. Anxiety attacks are a thing from the past. I feel fine. But boy, is infertility tough? It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced, even more than depression, because everyone thinks they are experts about it. Oh, getting knocked up? Sure, we know how to do it! Take a vacation and you'll come back pregnant! Adopt! Why don't you adopt? Haven't you heard the stories of people who adopt and then get pregnant? Wy don't you do IVF? Didn't you hear Betty got pregnant with twins in her first IVF cycle???
I wish I had a coping machine. An actual device I could attach to myself whenever I felt things were getting too hard to bear. I guess I'll just have to do without it.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Cooking Therapy
Spinach quinoa risotto, with plenty of smoked paprika. Olive oil and
garlic stir fried brocolette. Grilled peppery asparagus. Tomatoes with
fresh basil vinaigrette. I cook and cook and cook, and stir and stir and
stir, but this lump in my throat doesn't go away.
How did I get here? Third IUI since February. Hormones, shots, sprays, suppositories. Ultrasounds and more ultrasounds. And bills. And crying. And freaking out. And there's nothing freaking wrong with me.
I cook because food makes me happy, but now I'm on this gluten-free, dairy-free, egg and red meat free diet. Just in case my immune system is killing the sperm, or the fertilized egg way before I know I'm pregnant.
I gave up cheese, and milk, and coffee, and wheat. I gave up quiches and omelets. I think I'd give up a kidney, too, if that made me pregnant. I'd give up meat forever. I would.
I cook for my husband, mostly because I love him and I don't want this fertility thing to get between us. Sometimes I resent him. He complained fertility was all I was talking about. He complained about the bills. He complained about my doctors. He wants a second opinion. The other doctor confirmed the results: low motility count. IUI is the way to go. First with Femara. Then injectables. He complained injectables + ultrasounds are too expensive. I suggested acupuncture. He doesn't believe in acupuncture.
At times it seems I am the only one doing all the work. Sometimes I acknowledge it is not his fault. So I cook. I stir, and I grill, and I bake gluten and dairy free brownies with egg replacer and all.
Why doesn't this lump in my throat go away? Why aren't I hopeful? I want to give up. I want to take a vacation. I want to be okay with the fact that a lot of women I know are pregnant while I am childless.
I want to make more gluten and dairy and egg free brownies and have them with raspberries. And be genuinely happy for the 15 minutes it will take me to finish eating them.
How did I get here? Third IUI since February. Hormones, shots, sprays, suppositories. Ultrasounds and more ultrasounds. And bills. And crying. And freaking out. And there's nothing freaking wrong with me.
I cook because food makes me happy, but now I'm on this gluten-free, dairy-free, egg and red meat free diet. Just in case my immune system is killing the sperm, or the fertilized egg way before I know I'm pregnant.
I gave up cheese, and milk, and coffee, and wheat. I gave up quiches and omelets. I think I'd give up a kidney, too, if that made me pregnant. I'd give up meat forever. I would.
I cook for my husband, mostly because I love him and I don't want this fertility thing to get between us. Sometimes I resent him. He complained fertility was all I was talking about. He complained about the bills. He complained about my doctors. He wants a second opinion. The other doctor confirmed the results: low motility count. IUI is the way to go. First with Femara. Then injectables. He complained injectables + ultrasounds are too expensive. I suggested acupuncture. He doesn't believe in acupuncture.
At times it seems I am the only one doing all the work. Sometimes I acknowledge it is not his fault. So I cook. I stir, and I grill, and I bake gluten and dairy free brownies with egg replacer and all.
Why doesn't this lump in my throat go away? Why aren't I hopeful? I want to give up. I want to take a vacation. I want to be okay with the fact that a lot of women I know are pregnant while I am childless.
I want to make more gluten and dairy and egg free brownies and have them with raspberries. And be genuinely happy for the 15 minutes it will take me to finish eating them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)