All in its time

Baby magic hasn't happened yet. I woke up at 4:49am with cramps, went to the bathroom and learned that I am not pregnant.
I didn't feel sad at first. Perhaps disappointed. But the day went by and I am holding my tears. How can one not be sad? I know it is all too early. All I have done is try to get pregnant for 2 cycles. I should just relax and enjoy the journey. Well, that is the problem - I can't. I may be off antidepressants, but I continue to be this anxious overzealous perfectionist person who doesn't seem to be able to relax, and who is always finding reasons to worry too much.

And yet, I am aware everything (and everyone) has its time. All in its time, all in its right time. I believe in God, and I believe He wants what is best for me, which may or may not include a baby now. I am doing well without the antidepressants, so all I have to do is hang in there.

Some good news is that my parents will be here in 10 days, all the way from Brazil, which is super exciting. I haven't seen them for a year and a half, and I miss them a lot. We have also decided we're going to spend Christmas in Brazil, so I am going to see all of my family in 6 months! Meanwhile, I know I am able to cope with what I've got. Most of all, I am not afraid of getting depressed anymore.

Yesterday I woke up feeling anxious and sick of my stomach, which is never a good feeling, but I know it goes away, and it did. I was feeling much better afterwards. I know that, if I ever have a strong crisis again, I will be able to get over it. No need to fear depression creeping in. I can do this, that is what I tell myself everyday. I am capable and strong. Moreover, I am stronger than my mental illness.

Still hanging in

I've been off Venlafaxine for nearly 2 months. All I'm taking is Kavinace, a supplement that combines vitamin B6, taurine, and something called 4-amino-3-phenylbutyric acid. It supposedly helps with sleep and anxiety by supporting GABA function.

The anxiety attacks haven't returned, thankfully. What I have, sometimes, is this overwhelming sadness that comes all of a sudden. When it happens, I feel like doing nothing, I have no hope for the future, nor find joy in anything. It is very oppressing and scary, because I know it may be depression lingering in here, ready to attack.

My psychiatrist is very happy with the results of these past 2 months, of course, and he firmly believes I (and all the other patients) have to disassociate from the diagnosis. I had lost hope in being without meds, to be honest. I'm still not claiming victory over depression, for it is way too early. I've spent 5 months without medication before.

I may, or may not be pregnant, and I am honestly not getting all psycho about it this month. I will find out this Friday, or perhaps earlier, if my period decides to come 2 days before its due date again! I am only drinking decaf coffee, and not even every day. My husband really convinced me of stopping it. I know caffeine is not good for my anxiety, but I really like coffee :-)

Well, since there is nothing more I can do other than wait, wait I will. Until Friday.

Anticipated Sadness

My period came yesterday afternoon, two days before the expected date. No matter how much I try to rationalize what just happened, I am still sad and disappointed.

We went camping this long weekend, and I enjoyed being far away from everything while going to new places in the north coast of California. It was a bit cold for sleeping in a tent, I admit it, but it was only for two nights. We went to Navarro River Redwoods State Park, a calm first-come first-serve secluded park in the middle of giant Redwoods. We hiked at Van Damme state park, visited Mendocino, a cute little town nearby, went to two different lighthouses, (one in Point Arena), and drove back home along the Shoreline Highway, or Highway 1. It took much longer, but it was so beautiful and peaceful.

When we finally got to Highway 101, we stopped at an In-n-Out burger, and when I went to the restroom, alas, there it was, plain and clear, the blood that I did not wish to see. I am sorry for the TMI. I'm sure not many people read this blog (for I haven't really advertised it or even told my friends and family about it). This blog is sort of my personal diary, a way to get some things off my chest.

So today I woke up feeling sick of my stomach and anxious. I managed to get on with my day, drinking lots of smoothies which are easy to swallow, and eventually was able to eat some solid food. I'm having some pretty heavy cramps right now, so this *IS* a period, no doubt about it and no reason to waste a pregnancy test this month.

I'm trying to think that this is for the best, there must be a reason why I couldn't get pregnant this month other than the catastrophic idea that either my husband or I have a problem and can't conceive. I am also trying to remember that it takes a healthy 25-year-old woman an average of 6 months to conceive. It takes longer for older women. I'm 30, and my husband is 37, so we're going to have to take it easy. Regardless, I am sad - two days early than expected.

Just stop obsessing already!

I've been off medication for over 3 weeks now, which means we are trying to conceive (yay), WHICH means I am obsessing about it in a way I probably shouldn't. I still have to wait 12 days until I miss (or not) my period, but I am already starting to worry about what if I'm not pregnant. What could be wrong? My anxious mind is not letting me rest. I took ovulation tests, fertility tests, followed my cycle with a period tracker application on my iTouch, you name it. I stopped drinking coffee as well, for caffeine supposedly decreases fertility. My husband and I followed the advice of the 'every other day' routine, so now there is nothing else I can do other than wait. I don't like waiting :-(

I've been trying not to get too concerned about the what ifs, but the idea that we actually have to try to conceive for at least 6 months before I can go to my OBGYN and say we need to run some tests is nerve-racking. Mostly because we did everything sooo right that there has to be a problem if I don't get pregnant this cycle. Well, I should at least give my other ovary a chance next month, shouldn't I? I also know that some women who obsess too much about it end up not getting pregnant until they relax and let go. Why am I doing this to myself?

This week I told my therapist I feared I was obsessive-compulsive. She doesn't think I am, but she does understand I am getting obsessed about this whole pregnancy project. This is happening, I think, because I've been preparing for so long, stopping the antidepressants, getting sick, going back on the meds, starting the decrease again, and so forth. This has been going on for 8 months already. When I first talked to my former psychiatrist about getting off my meds, she told me it would take me less than 6 months. Well, yeah, it didn't. First she bailed on me, telling me she didn't feel comfortable helping me throughout my pregnancy, so I had to go look for a new doctor. Then I stopped Effexor at 12.5mg and my body did not like it. Then at 6.2mg I had an anxiety attack that left me sick of my stomach for 4 days. Not to mention the spit test results that revealed I was on the verge of adrenal fatigue.

I know things only get harder once I have a baby. I am at a higher risk of having post-partum depression than women who have never suffered from depression before. I'll have a defenceless human being constantly needing care and attention (besides my husband!!!). So sometimes I don't even know if I'm up for all of it. Well, it is about time that I learn to go with the flow and just let things happen as they're supposed to.

Anxious Little Girl

Anxious little girl
Here we go again
Here we go
Pieces of your soul drifting ashore
Little by little you're one no more
You're a puzzle of missing parts

Drizzling rain that becomes a storm
Acute pain that you can't endure
Like a lonely slender tree shaken by the wind
you're turned and tossed and turned once more
There is no end; there is no hope; there is only an empty space -  and an empty stomach.

We're not in control and it is okay

As I gaze upon the future ahead of me, there are so many things I cannot control. Details, big and small, among other variables.
What can we control? Last week I lost whatever control I had over some very basic body functions, like eating. I couldn't keep myself calm; I couldn't stop shaking; my thoughts raced through my mind with no logic or order. As I felt better physically this week, the emotional toll of last week's crisis started to show. During my therapy session this last Thursday, I found myself tearful just by remembering 'outloud' what had happened. My therapist is wonderful, and she's helped me understand there are things I cannot control, AND it is okay.
The pain is intense, but if I have to shake, I'll shake; if I have to throw up, I'll throw up. I know it will pass. I've been through this before, and it does not last forever. I'm more resilient than I give myself credit for.
So as I discuss my future outloud, and realize the plethora of possibilities and outcomes which I cannot completely control, I am reminded that it is okay. It all shall pass, even if not all of it works out the way I expect. Being okay with no control may be the ultimate challenge of the anxious person. It has been my challenge for years, and I suspect I am still far from the end of the way.

Down, down, and back to the surface

It all started last week after my husband said something that really upset me. He said I wanted my mother to go to therapy so that I could blame her for my issues.
My mother is not doing well. She has talked about dying. I had spoken to my sister on the phone and I was extremely concerned. I had lost the car keys the previous Friday, and on the Monday evening my husband said that, I went to sleep feeling extremely said and upset. Sure enough, I woke up nauseous the following morning. Couldn't eat, had diarrhea, restless anxiety, all the same ol' thing of always.

On Wednesday, though, things were 10 times worse. There was no way I could go out and about my day. I had to call my doctor and pledge for some anxiety medication. I was able to eat around 2pm, after spending the whole morning in bed sick like a dog. In the evening, I was able to eat some soup. Thursday morning, the same thing. I was miserable and did not eat again until noon. Soup, yogurt, all the things liquid. Diarrhea was still there and making me lose water and, consequently, weight. On Friday, I took Buspar, which my doctor had prescribed, but it didn't even tickle. Nothing, no effect on my ever restless anxiety. I had to go see my doctor in person. He gave me a supplement called Kavinace, which was recommended by the guys of NeuroScience laboratory, after my spit test showed very low levels of Cortisol and Gaba, plus elevated levels of Glutamate. Cortisol is a hormone that helps people deal with stress, whereas Gaba and Glutamate are neurotransmitters.
On Saturday, after 4 days of forced fasting, I was able to eat breakfast. The nightmare seemed to be over. I was awake, and eating again.

This Tuesday, April 26, after my doctor told me that I could do it, I stopped taking Venlafaxine. I was down to 6.25mg, so the withdrawal symptoms are supposed to be minor. I am feeling a little dizzy, which is typical, but nothing major. We got our new car keys back at the end of last week as well, so I'm back in my car and with the biggest key chain possible. I'll never lose those keys again. I haven't called my family back in my country in over 2 weeks, most likely because I don't want to tell them what happened, and I don't want to get upset again about my mother's own mental issues.

I'm finally off medication. I can't believe it. Now next month I may get pregnant. It is almost like I have no energy left to start such a big project like becoming a mother. On the other hand, being pregnant will cause a hormonal explosion in my body, which, according to my doctor, is just what I need.