Thursday, September 22, 2011

Back to 'almost normal'

On doctor's orders, I went up to 60mg of Cymbalta this past Monday. Clonazepan doesn't make me feel slow anymore. Best of all, if I take 0.5mg in the morning, when the anxiety is the worst, it calms me down and its effect lasts the whole day. So much better than Xanax! Look at me, I sound like a hypochondriac, loving medication!

Sometimes I wake up with this desperation inside me. Three deep breaths, it's just thoughts. I was never afraid of dying. All of a sudden, I think of death. Not in a suicidal way. Just death. What if I die? What's gonna happen next? What if my husband dies? my mom? my dad? More three deep breaths. I am not in control of the world's population. All I have is 'now' and, for now, I'm alive.

I lost so much weight since April that people are noticing. It should be a good thing, huh? Well, I'm 5'9", and have been slim all my life. Sometimes too slim. Before April, I was normal. No need to lose weight really. So people ask questions. I'm not sure what to say to justify losing weight, so sometimes I say the truth. Sometimes I just acknowledge it and let it pass. I spent last week on fruit smoothies, Greek yogurt, and chicken soup. Today I craved junk food, so I had a Big Mac. With large fries. Oh! It feels so good to eat.

My two continued studies courses at Stanford University start next week. I've thought of canceling one of them. Then I thought of canceling both of them. I can't concentrate. I'm afraid I won't be able to make it. I have one more full week to decide if I want to continue with them or not (and get a full refund).

So far I haven't noticed any side effects of Cymbalta. I'm not skipping and scampering like a happy lil' bunny either. I know antidepressants take time to work. 2 to 6 weeks. I'm back to eating, sleeping, functioning. Back to almost normal. Those 4 and a half months without medication were hard ones. I was never well. I was never happy. I may as well have to rely on medication forever. It sure sounds like a long time.

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