Saturday, September 3, 2011


I'm trying to live one day at a time and it has been really hard right now. According to my 'period tracker' application on my iTouch, my period was supposed to come today, but it didn't. It means nothing. It may as well come tomorrow, or on Monday. I keep telling myself it is too early to celebrate because I don't want to be let down. So as I wait for the period to come or not, I'm living in suspension, in hiatus, waiting for something to happen, instead of simply enjoying my day and letting life happen.

I try not to think about it. I try not to talk about it, but could this be the month? I started feeling this pain a couple days ago, not exactly like period cramps, but similar. I had had them before, but in the middle of my cycle, never in the end. I had read pregnant women have cramps when the fertilized egg is attaching to the uterus, so I am not sure what to think. I'm feeling the pain as I write; it started on Thursday and I thought: this doesn't feel like my regular cramps, but it may as well be that my period will come earlier. It didn't. Then as the pain came and went and came again, I thought, well, period will come on the scheduled day. It didn't. Now I'm thinking period will come tomorrow, one day later, or even on Monday, 2 days later, so it means I'm having a 26 day cycle instead of 24 (which has been my average lately).

Someone might ask, why don't I just buy a pregnancy test and get it over with? I don't want to have a positive result too early, because sometimes it may be a chemical pregnancy, when the egg is fertilized but it fails to attach to the uterus. A pregnancy test will turn out positive, but the period will come later. I think I prefer waiting until I know there is no way my period is that much late (like anything more than 27 days), and then do a pregnancy test.

Last night I could barely sleep. Today I watched for the blood to come (sorry for the TMI). I am waiting to be disappointed because I am afraid of feeling happy now and feeling extremely sad later. Does it make any sense? I am writing it all in here because I am not talking about it with anyone. I sense I probably sound very annoying, very paranoid.

There is nothing else I can do other than wait. If I am not pregnant, I've decided I'll go out and have sushi (which I've been avoiding since I started trying to conceive, unless I am having my period and I know I'm not pregnant). I thought about it last week. I like sushi and I know I won't be able to have it once I am pregnant, so rewarding myself with a sushi dinner may be a way to help deal with the sadness and disappointment of yet another 'failed month'.

I'll post again when I know better what is going on. Or if I can't take this hiatus anymore.

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