Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Back on the chemical crutch

I started Cymbalta this last Monday. After having a crappy weekend filled with symptoms of excruciating anxiety, I decided it was enough.

Now, besides Cymbalta, I've needed some other help to get me by while thiS crisis last. I tried Xanax for the immediate anxiety, but Xanax wears off too fast, and then I need more. So doctor gave me Clonazepan. It knocked me down as soon as I took it lat night. I felt I was going to collapse. I took 1mg, plus 1/4 of a pill of Mirtazapine to help me sleep. It worked. I slept the whole night (i hadnt slept the previous night, even after taking xanax; I woke up at 3am and never went back to sleep).

This morning I was still feeling like a zombie, but the anxiety was creeping in and getting higher. I took 0.5mg of Clonazepan, which left me pretty sleepy and drowsy, but it wore off in a couple hours and anxiety hasn't come back full force yet.

I lost weight, as usual, but I've been trying to eat whenever my stomach lets me.

I've tried to find reasons for this current crisis, and the only thing that happened differently was my Kavinace (a supplement that supports GABA function) was over and I hadn't
ordered more on time so I ran out of it. I had noticed in the past that whenever I forgot to take Kavinace the night before, I would wake up more anxious, but I never thought it could cause that! And in fact, I've had crisis like that before even while taking Kavinace, so I'm
not sure.

All I know is that baby plans have come to a halt. Now I need to get better, take Cymbalta and make sure it is not aggravating my anxiety. And if I feel this horrible, horrible anxiety, I need to take Clonazepan and not be too afraid about it. I am afraid I'll get addicted and it
will be hard to stop and so forth. I took a high dosage of Xanax for 4 months once and it was
so hard to stop. It was horrible. Doctor says Clonazepan is better; less addictive, and its
calming effect lasts longer. Nevertheless, I felt like a zombie for most of the day today. I
felt I could barely function. Yesterday, without medication, I couldn't function either
because anxiety was just too overwhelming.

This has been a full blown anxiety attack as bad as the one I had in 2007.

So much for not wanting to take the drugs. Now I'm taking several. Hopefully just for the time being.


  1. Hi Ivana,
    I really hope you start to feel better. I too would like to become pregnant in the very near future but I have excruciating anxiety as well. Most importanly we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of a child. Right now I'm on 30mg of Celexa, it's helping a bit but not 100%.
    What do you worry about the most? I'm always thinking about my health and those that I love. Thinking negative thoughts of something happening to them. I get so over worked that I react to my thoughts and just cry and shake thinking it's reality but I know it's not. It's a living hell.
    - Melissa

  2. Hi, Melissa. Thank you for your comment. I'm not sure what I worry about the most. Recently I've had this panicky feeling about death. It's crazy, huh? My journey through mental illness seems like a long road with no end in sight. I think I worry about problems when they appear, and I catastrophize them, thinking the worst. Medication works for me most of the time. Have you talked to your doctor about taking a higher dosage of Celexa?


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