Artificial Insemination

I haven't written for a while as things are really busy, but all our tests are done and it seems everything is fine with me. The sperm, on the other hand, is not great. It isn't bad, but it's not great. So my doctor suggested that we do an intrauterine insemination. The sperm will be "washed", getting rid of the 2/3 of sperm that are not mobile, and concentrating the 1/3 that is (approximately 13 million). Then that "sperm juice" will be shot inside me at the exact period of ovulation (I'll be monitored by ultrasound to determine the ovulation date). This way, we have a greater chance of getting pregnant. Besides that, I will also take Letrozole, which will increase even more my chances of conceiving.

So, according to my doctor, we are not really categorized as "infertility" per se. 13 million good sperm is more than enough (a good number is 10 million). What happens is the other 26 million sperm that are not mobile sort of get in the way of the good sperm. I would eventually get pregnant, but it could take another year.

Cost wise, we'll be spending 600 American dollars for the whole process, including the sperm wash, the office visit and ultrasound to determine my ovulation, the insemination itself, and Letrozol, which is very inexpensive.  I'm taking Letrozole (brand name is Femara)  and not Clomid because it seems Letrozole is actually better than Clomid. I will also need to have a shot to speed ovulation so the doctors know I'll ovulate in exactly 48 hours and then we can schedule the insemination.

It all sounds very artificial to me (of course, it is artificial insemination after all). Nevertheless, I have a friend who got pregnant taking Femara and her baby is smart and healthy. Hopefully that will be my case, too.

I may be also flushing my tubes to make sure there are no obstructions. That will be done before the insemination.

So last week was the last time we tried conceiving naturally. Part of me really, really hopes I am pregnant without any help, but if I'm not, now I know why. Then next month we will take action.

I've been slightly more anxious since this all happened, and I've also had nightmares. Nevertheless, I am hopeful it all works out. We have a budget for 3 months of artificial insemination, if necessary. It all adds up, and simply conceiving a baby may cost nearly 2 thousand dollars. A friend of mine told me that it is all worth it, because when I finally hold my baby, I'll forget all that is past.

Concerning my antidepressants, my psychiatrist and I have a plan. I'll continue taking Cymbalta in a lower dosage for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy, simply because if I suffer a miscarriage, I do not want to fall into deep depression. Once the first trimester is over, I'll slowly stop my meds and continue pregnancy without them. Depending on how I do, we may or may not put me immediately back on medication right after delivery. Hopefully I'll be able to breastfeed for a few months before I lack serotonin and cortisol. I'll keep you all posted!

Test 1 Done

Progesterone blood work done today, the 20th day of my cycle. Now Just waiting for the results to find out if I've ovulated this month.

Next step - around February 4 - possibly the 3rd day of my next cycle. New blood work will be done on this day to determine hormone levels (if they are in the levels to support pregnancy), thyroid hormones included :-)

Meanwhile all I can do is wait. Root for me!

Happy 2012

I'm back from my 3 week trip overseas and it was a blast. Especially the last week. We were in Salvador, Bahia, one of the oldest cities in Brazil, full of history, beautiful architecture, and warm turquoise blue waters. I loved being at the beach... it was great,

I would love to announce that I am pregnant, but unfortunately that hasn't come true yet. I was in Brazil, I was relaxed, I was on vacation, the weather was perfect, but it did not happen.

Yesterday I went to the doctor and we'll do a bunch of tests to figure out what is going on. The doctor was excited and told me we'll get this going. So I'm excited too. Even if there isn't anything wrong I may want to take some Clomid to release more eggs and raise my chances of getting pregnant. Or do a sperm wash and inject it so the sperm do not have to swim.

I'm doing some blodd work this Friday, the 20th day of my cycle, and then more blood work on the 3rd day of my next cycle. I already have hubby's kit for him to collect his "special men" and take it to the lab. Doctor wants to see us in no later than a month.

Let's keep positive! Hopefully I'll be pregnant within 3-4 months or so :-)

Thirty-One Springs

Tomorrow is my birthday, and this blog is officially one year old! When I started writing here, exactly a year ago, I had many expectations, many dreams, and a bit of fear of the unknown future ahead of me. A year ago, I had just started reducing Effexor XR, so that I could try to get pregnant off medication. I was hoping things would go smooth. Well, as you all know very well, they didn't. I have walked a long path and have had a relapse. I changed medications. I did not get pregnant. Tomorrow, while I celebrate my 31st birthday, I want to focus on being healthy, taking good care of myself, enjoying my free time and enjoying the people I love. I want to keep feeling happynthenway I have felt since Cymbalta started working and cast away all the shadows. I still would love to become a mother, but I am not a slave of my obsession anymore. Happy Birthday to me:-)

Giving up and letting go

It has definitely given me a sense of freedom. It seems I don't care anymore. It still hurts a bit when people ask if I have any news, but it's been better than before.

Yes, I gave up trying to get pregnant. I decided I am too tired to keep doing ovulation tests et all. The holidays and our trip to Brazil are approaching and I simply don't want to fuss about not being pregnant again.

My husband, on the other hand, seems to really want to keep trying. I know what some of you will say, yeah, of course he does, for he is a guy and he likes it, but I can assure you that that is not the case. Sometimes both of us are tired and hubby says we need to try because I won't just get pregnant if we don't "do the deed".

Well, honestly, after I learned about my friend's sister, who did exactly the opposite of what I'm doing (that is, she avoided having intercourse on the days she was most fertile) and got pregnant, I don't know anything anymore. Maybe if we avoid my fertile week, I'll get pregnant!!!

Anyways, I am super excited about our trip. We'll spend 2 weeks in my hometown, where I'll get to see my family, and friends I haven't seen in over 3 years, and then we'll go to the northeast of Brazil, to a coastal city called Salvador! The beaches there are awesome and it is going to be summer time! I can't wait!

My medication seems to be working well. Sometimes I forget to take it in the morning, and then I have a problem, because if I take it too late in the day, I can't sleep. Nevertheless, I am very satisfied with Cymbalta, especially knowing that it is much easier to stop it than it is to stop Effexor.

It does have side-effects, though, I keep having very vivid anxious dreams. I usually sweat a lot while I'm dreaming, which means I get very dehydrated. I'm still taking Kavinace, 2 pills a day, and I notice the difference in my anxiety if I don't take it. It definitely helps. I can certainly recommend Kavinace to anyone suffering from anxiety, insomnia, nervousness, stress...

I've also gained back some of the weight I had lost. I'm not totally thrilled about it, especially because people think it is okay for them to approach me to say "oh, you've gained some weight!" I think it is because I am not overweight, so they must think I won't care! No woman likes to hear she's gained weight. Besides, I do not think it is very polite to tell someone that he or she gained weight, even if it is true!

I would love to someday come here and let you all know I am pregnant, but unfortunately it hasn't happened. Perhaps it will happen during our vacation, when we'll be relaxing at the beach... I wish!!! Happy Holidays, everyone!

It's time to be thankful, but I'm not

I resent that I'm not pregnant. I envy every single woman I see with a child. I want a baby. It's been 7 months and 8 cycles, for goodness sake. How much longer is it going to take?

I'm on my period and it has been bitter. I have painful cramps when I'm off the pill. I had some spotting earlier last week and I actually thought I was pregnant. Spotting is a sign of pregnancy, plus the pain in my breasts seemed to be more intense this month. I did a pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative. Then, a couple hours later, my period came, accompanied by a lot of pain, physical and emotional, that is.

I should be thankful for all that I have, but I am greedy. I want it all- I want a baby; not just any baby, a healthy, perfect, wonderful baby. Conceived by my husband and I, naturally, lovingly...

Isn't it flawed enough that I need to be on antidepressants while trying to start a family? Do I also have to suffer to get there?

I know, I know I sound like a broken record; I'm fixated on this idea of getting pregnant. I
want it and I want it now. And it's not happening. Sometimes I'm walking down the street and I
daydream of my growing belly, of the pains and wonders of motherhood, of the delivery, then my
baby boy or girl, holding him/her, the photos, the clothes, the joy, ah! The joy.

Am I being ungrateful? Am I asking too much? Can't it just happen one of these following
months??

I'm seeing my OBGYN in January. We'll run some tests, see what's going on. I will have had
other 3 cycles by the time she sees me. We're going to Brazil for the holidays. It will be a
lot of traveling. My husband says it is actually better that I'm not pregnant right now. I
don't know. I want it too much, perhaps. I dream of it too much. Even of the sickness, the
throwing up, the joy, the joy of motherhood.

But I need to be thankful. Thankful that my depression symptoms are under control; thankful that I am overall healthy; thankful that I have family and friends, and support.

All I want for Christmas is a baby growing in the oven. That's all. It seems that's too much to ask for.

Excuses

I have been away from here, perhaps because medication has been working well, so I don't feel the "need" to stop and reflect about my feelings. My therapist had asked me to try writing here and there, so I could channel my emotions into powerful statements of self-assurance...

I'm having some side effects I don't like. I dream vivid, anxious dreams all night long, it seems. My dreams tend to repeat themselves and mix what I like to call my "two realities", Brazil and California. I dream I'm there, but living this life, here, or sometimes it's a mix of my former life in Brazil but with elements of my current life here. I have constipation, which I've never had in my life. Still, the benefits of medication out weight the side effect.

Last month, when I had the confirmation that I was not pregnant, I cried. I cried in therapy later on, too, and it felt good. I hadn't cried for a while. I have my yearly OBGYN appointment scheduled for January, so until then I need to relax and let go. This month I had all the signs of ovulation, but the ovulation tests say otherwise. I did not get a positive result. I use the ClearBlue digital ovulation test, so there is no gray area. I'm either ovulating, or I'm not. I felt the urge to call my doctor and try to have an appointment just to address my possible infertility problems, but I've been able to contain myself. I can wait until January. It is not a big deal.

Life has been going on as busy as possible. I'm writing a paper for one of the classes I'm taking, it is almost all done. I'm on page 4 out of 5! wooo... I'm also enjoying my French classes and I plan to enroll on Beginning French II, which starts in January. It is finally cold in California, and I haven't been exercising much, but I'm giving myself a break from self-criticism. I'll exercise when I feel like it. Today I have mainly worked on my paper, which is due November 23. I have to mail it in to the professor, so it needs to be done by the 20, I say. I'll probably be done earlier, hopefully this Sunday, or Monday. I wished to be done today, but I don't think I have enough concentration left in me to do it.

I so wish I was pregnant by now. I really did. I dreamed of being 3 months pregnant, waiting for that ultrasound that reveals the baby's gender, waiting to be able to announce to the world that I have a baby coming! But it hasn't happened. I have to keep on living, and living as best as I can, because that is the only life I have.